Mom, can you take us to the maul?
-teen bears, probably
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waiter: what’ll it be?
me: I’ll have chameleon
waiter: that’s not on the menu
me: how can you be sure?
What do you call someone waiting in line at the liquor store on the day before Thanksgiving?
Amateur
Only thing sexier than a bad decisions is a bad decision with queso.
Judas: How long are your arms?
Jesus: Why?
Judas: Like in a cross, how long
Jesus: A what?
Judas:Across. How long across.
Er, no; we’re clearly searching for firewood. Anything you wanna talk about, bro?
Went to a public park and my 4yo was like, “Is this Disney World?!”
The answer is yes and I’ll cut anyone who tells her differently.
every single thing you’ve ever done and all the decisions you’ve made in life have led to the point where you are reading a tweet that ends in the word chudnugget
My ex left me for an attorney. It makes me smile every day to know he hasn’t won an arguement for 15 years.
Not sure if my toddler goes to daycare or a disease-of-the-month club
[Bethsaida 28 AD]
BAKER: Such a huge crowd…I’m gonna sell so many loaves
“Five loaves please”
BAKER: Huh?
“Jesus is here”
BAKER: Sonuva
No, I didn’t ask why she had a baby goat at work with her. *shrug* Seems like a personal question.
Hello 911?
Yeah, my wife accidentally fell off a cruise ship 3 months ago
that de-escalated quickly
Trust us: the feminine form of ‘ghostbuster’ is ‘ghostbuster’.
Me: I don’t mean to overstep but I would be a great hire.
Employer: In that case the Ministry of Silly Walks is not for you.
Me *goose step, tippy toe, barrel roll out the door*: Best of luck!
Employer *high kick, sashay to trashcan with resume*: Damn shame.
I find it very upsetting that dragon fruit has such a cool name, looks so exotic, and then tastes like a diabolical farmer crossed a kiwi with a potato.
What idiot called it proposing and not kneel diamond
If you end calls with telemarketers by saying “OK love you bye,” they put you on their Do Not Call list.
Beer keg at party
-boring
-played out
-there are better ways to drink beerThe keg is full of soup
-now we’re talkin baby
-let’s party
-soup
anyone who doesn’t have a crush on me is wrong but also anyone who DOES have a crush on me is wrong too. confusing, i know!
I bet birds love this building.
OMG, just found my childhood diary! I was an adorable and strangely prescient little boy.
There once was a man on zoom
Whose stomach had started to fume
He really had to toot
Forgot to hit mute
A problem when your living room is also the conference room
me: dogs have 4 legs
her:
me: so do tables
her: ok
me: so dogs are tables
her: no
me: *sets my cup on a dog* let me explain it for u again Jen
Bread: For when you want to wrap your food with other food, then eat it.
I hope the aliens aren’t good at basketball. My chances of making it into the NBA are already slim.
This lady totally messed up my Zen during my yoga session by switching on the lights and waking me up.
my mom: [wrapping my pills in cheese]
me: no, mom, use the GRUYERE I’m an ADULT
me: [struggling to take off a sports bra]
other lady in the locker room: I CAN DO IT MYSELF
[guy who’s about to invent urinals]
*peeing* i hate having privacy