Pizza: You should totally eat all of me. Like, all by yourself.
Me: What? No way.
Pizza: Why not?
Me: That’s a really good point.
You Might Also Like
Autocannibalism is self-serving.
[visiting southern France]
Me: This is Nice
Wife: It’s pronounced Nice
Me: I said Nice
Wife: No, you said Nice
Me: Nice
Wife: Nice
*69 minutes later*
Me: Niiiiiiice
*decides towels smell like mildew
*buys special laundry agent to remove odors
*washes load of towels
*forgets load in washer until morning
*repeat
After the hipster got his girl pregnant, he wouldn’t shut up about how he was into her before she got big.
I hate when I drop my chili cheese dog in my car and then I have to eat my whole car.
Wife: [holding old dog] I thought you took care of this yesterday
Stormtrooper husband: *looks out back to see gun marks all over the yard*
People who reply “LOL” but don’t retweet are like if a doctor shook a bottle of pills in your direction to treat your disease.
Goldilocks is still undefeated when it comes to forced entry Yelp reviews.
I’m not saying these people are peeing in the ocean, but I’ve been on the beach for 4.5 hours with a bunch of beer drinkers and not one has left my line of sight yet.
NURSE: The other nurses and I bought you this box of chocolates for Valentines Day!
DR DOG: You’re joking, right?
watching hockey for the first time and man do all these guys have different ideas about what should be happening to that black dot.
Relationship status: my husband bought a ukulele
[following girl off elevator] you cant hate snakes and then say u love dragons, because theyre actually extremely similar. in a lot of mytho
On the maternity ward is one place where you should never silence push notifications.
2019: Tumblr blinks offline, satisfied, having completed its mission of collecting all existing TV and film footage as GIF files.
E-Cigs. The great taste of water vapor, the cool look of blowing a flashlight.
Me: A problem shared is half solved.
Invigilator: sit in the front.
Get in, there’s no time to explain.
I only sleep with my laptop so that if I ever get a boyfriend I’ll be used to sharing the bed
People often ask me how I afford to live a lavish lifestyle while spending most of my day on Twitter. Here are a few tips.
1. Wake up early every morning
2. Build a work routine
3. Learn to delegate responsibility
4. Inherit a lot of money from parents
5. Sleep at time
Every tech nerd or security guy on night shift at a computer in 90s movies is eating pizza & wiping sauce from their mouth with their hand.
Someone stole my identity yesterday and opened a bunch of accounts in my name, including a sports betting account where he won like hundreds of dollars. today I closed the account and collected all of that money. Getting your identity stolen rules!!!
wife: What do you want for dinner?
me: What do you want me to want?
Mom: I think I’m gonna make a twitter
Me: Mom it costs like $500 a year…
Mom: That’s expensive I’ll stick with Facebook
Me: Aww too bad
I choose toothpaste NOT recommended by dentists… those sneaky tooth-fiddlers have a lot to gain from promoting one that doesn’t work.
You kids today with your on demand music don’t know the euphoria of hearing your jam come on the radio without the DJ talking over it.
COP: Have you been drinking?
ME: [carrying 2 penguins I just stole] Good God I hope so
Me: How are you doing?
4yo: Thank you…and no thank you!
Me: Same though.
My cat sleeps next to her food bowl and it inspired me to move my bed to the kitchen
If you love someone, let them go. If they don’t come back, detonate the explosive collar.