@xodeadlykissxo: Place a STUDENT DRIVER sign on top of your car, and suddenly nobody suspects you of drunk driving.
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@MissBamantha: Grandpa Joe's all, I'm gonna just stay in bed for twenty years. Wait, a CHOCOLATE FACTORY? jkjk I can walk! He's my kinda people.
@TheCatWhisprer: Based on her reaction I don't think my toddler will ever forgive me for gently wiping her face.
@jergarl: Wife: Whatya doin? Me: I fixed the toilet so I'm adding Potty Fixer to my résumé W: You mean Plumber? M: DO I LOOK LIKE A HOUSE SCIENTIST?