#CoronaOutbreak
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Who called it choosing a burial plot and not a grave decision
ME: should we give it a dry rub
CORONER: get out
You seem like the type of person I might give my heart to, but as nervously as I’d be watching a drunk holding a newborn.
I can’t listen to music with my headphones at the office. Apparently everyone doesn’t enjoy the way I sing out loud
Had to Google, “Nice way to say selfish” for a recommendation today.
Samsung just announced a series of water resistant phones. Just what you want in a phone that sets itself on fire – to be water resistant.
If they served grilled cheese sandwiches at communion, I’d go to church more often.
ME: Whoa, these people are hardcore Goths
CORONER: How many times do I have to tell you that they’re corpses, you’re looking at corpses
a tiny insect just tried to fly into my eye then immediately died on the bathroom sink, guys I think it saw my brain
Me: So, what did you bring home from preschool today?!?
3yo: *sneezes*
Imagine the effort it took this dolphin to propose, then the woman he loves does this in front of him? Just awful.
Gonna flirt with an electrician by calling them electrocute
What do we want?!
A WRITER WHO CAN WRITE SHORTER PROTEST CHANTS FOR US THAT SUCCINCTLY ILLUSTRATE OUR DEMANDS!
When do we want it?!
NOW!
Saving the planet will require sacrifice and right now I’m thinking you.
me: ever get halfway thru a sentence and forget where you are
cellmate: i wish
Boss: This is my wife Sue and my kids…
Me: Whoa! Look at the MELON on this little guy. Man…hope he was a c-section Hahaha!
Boss:
Me:
[Record Shop]
Me: Hi, have you got anything by the Doors?
Shopkeeper: No, we have to keep all exits clear in case of emergencies.
Meth is short for Elizameth.
what other people think of me is none of my business. unless it’s bad, then i need to know everything
Niagara Falls
Me: “OMG are you okay?! That was a bad one!”
I want you to know that whatever problems you’re having I’m hear to ‘like’ them. 🙃
You can buy a birthday cake every day if you want to. They don’t even check ID.
Hey, so I was working on an Excel spreadsheet and hit an unfamiliar function button and, long story short, now I am trapped inside it and all these numbers are mad at me
My wedding anniversary is next week. Does anyone have an idea for a gift that conveys the sentiment ‘our love is priceless’ for under $75?
me: goth goose. gothic goose. goosic. no wait… gooth
teacher: it’s already called a vulture
I don’t know what to do
Me: I think I’m just scared of change.
Therapist: *flips a quarter*
Me: *screams*
Friend: You’re going to be an usher at our wedding. Is that okay?
Me: Yeah, Yeah, Yeah, Yeah, Yeah, Yeah.
Mr. Peanut’s funeral will be open-casket in a sense. His coffin is ajar.