Places to learn how to chug your drink:
1. College frat
2. Airport security line
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Just dyed a bald eagle red, white & blue & forced my family to eat 3 apple pies each. We’re all crying. It’s awesome.
What is love?
You just sang “baby, don’t hurt me.” In your mind didn’t you?
Doc: So, how did you injure your rotator cuff?
Me, remembering reaching for the wet wipes on the back of the toilet:
TENNIS
I’m like that guy at the beginning of infomercials that is unable to do simple shit, i just burns everything and i cant figure out blankets.
About 20 minutes before my husband gets home from work I spray Febreze, then he assumes I cleaned something.
the women in tampon commercials should switch places with the women in antidepressant commercials
boss: why did you cross out “world” on my “world’s best boss” mug
me: have you met every boss in the world
boss: no bu—
me: just seems like a lofty claim
boss: {gesturing at my “universe’s awesomest employee” shirt}
me:
boss:
me: this one’s true tho
I want to make fun of kanye but I’m always losing my shit on the internet too.
It feels mighty hypocritical.
My kids: what are we having for…
ME: LEFTOVERS
The Backseat Boys
I’m getting close to that age where people applaud the things I’m “still able to do”
Using my new fishing technique I have taunted all the fish in the pond that if they weren’t stupid dumb cowards they would come on land and fight me. Now, we wait.
The police do not like it when you slowly reveal that your attacker was a ghost. They do not appreciate storytelling or showmanship. I know this now.
Satan’s greatest trick is convincing you he’s not real but there’s a quality drop-off after that. No. 2 is pretending his thumb is your nose
Her: *uses quarantine as an opportunity to learn Japanese and crochet*
Me: *uses quarantine as an opportunity to perfect my cereal to milk ratio*
The concentration of salt in ham is so high, you could float on a lake of ham and never sink.
I’m not saying I want a divorce, it’s just that sometimes 50% custody sounds pretty appealing.
Nothing prepared me for the part of adulthood where you look like a baby deer learning to walk every time you get out of bed in the morning.
The real you is what happens when you walk into a surprise spider web.
[texting my friend]
me: sorry I missed your party yesterday
friend: it’s today actually
me: read this again tomorrow then
YouTube: hey we saw u watched a video about a thing
Me: great, would it be possible to fill my entire feed with that thing, forever?
ME: ok doc what’s wrong
DOCTOR: u have 6 months to live
ME: *leans in closer* no what’s wrong
DOCTOR: it’s just u only visit me when ur sick
Fun Fact: If you hear small kids running around laughing hysterically, within 2 min. at least one will be on the floor crying hysterically.
you know that voice in your head that tells you right from wrong? I think mine is like a frustrated Escape Room employee who’s watching me try to climb thru a roof tile because I refuse to comprehend clues correctly
How To Ride An Escalator:
-Step 1
-Now Just Chill for a Bit
It is possible to fail a cheese-making class but you have to eat your entire final exam to find out.
[eulogy]
line?
Not to brag but I can forget what I’m doing as I’m doing it