When my friend broke up with her boyfriend, I was right there with donuts, telling her she was better off sans the idiot.
In a SURPRISING TURN OF EVENTS THAT NOBODY SAW COMING, they got back together and now I’m not welcome in their home.
Lesson learned. No donuts next time.
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It’ll be neat when Taylor and Travis break up. Instead of writing an angsty song about him, she can just buy the Chiefs and move them to Singapore.
I saw a guy and a girl doing high fives in a chemistry lab
and I thought, “wow they be bonding.”
If someone says they’d “Like a word with you,” I can guarantee it’s way more than one word and you’re not going to like any of them.
Predict the weather? How about you predict the lottery numbers, you chubby little rodent
JUDGE: state your name for the court
ME: Juan
JUDGE: and your last
ME: Agofree
JUDGE: so, Juan Agofree?
ME: *bangs gavel* case dismissed
Ask yourself this: will it matter a year from now?
If the answer is yes, I am sorry. You were supposed to say no.
BOSS: This team isn’t performing, hire someone with a good track record
[2 wks later]
ME: I’d like you to meet our new employee, Usain Bolt
They dug up a skeleton on my street. Crazy to think that somewhere out there someone is walking around without a skeleton
Me: No, you hang up first
Pizza Hut: *click*
My wife’s filthy toenail cut my leg in bed & now I can levitate & hear time.
Hiring Manager: Your resume is impressive but what experience do you have in the field?
Me: Frolicking, stopping to smell the roses- typical field stuff sir
Found a pic in a box buried deep in the closet of me sitting on Santa’s knee. Hard to believe that was two whole years ago!
theory: eating m&ms one at a time will decrease my chances of eating them all in one sitting and feeling terrible later.
findings: I am going to barf very soon.
i got pulled over & my vape was in my cup holder & the cop was like “u know the news saying those things are killing people”
i laughed a lil bit & said “they say the same thing about yall lol”
he ain’t laugh
Starting a band called “Get Off The Stage” so I can pretend everybody’s cheering me on
Date: Uhh seriously?
Me: Oh don’t tell me you don’t sneak food into the movies too
*dips lobster in my pocket filled with melted butter*
I wanted to have sex with Uma Thurman until I saw her toes in Kill Bill.
GUY: Do you want to play fantasy football?
ME: Okay, I’m a quarterback with wings
Absolutely no one:
Me: *something goes down the wrong way and I start coughing*
Everyone: Let me tell you about the time I almost choked to death!
LIFE HACK: At the end of a night out, go to a Domino’s Pizza, order a delivery then catch a ride with the driver. Dinner + transport home!
I don’t want to establish dominance. I want to take a nap while someone else handles everything.
I work for a water company and I regularly call in fake jobs in a funny voice near me on weekends to get a call out fee and double pay overtime, nearly doubled my salary
Bruce Willis is being chased by a pug. he jumps in a taxi and escapes. he breathes a sigh of relief. the driver turns around. it’s the pug
Me: Mozart was a great composer, but now that he’s dead he’s a great
Wife: I swear to God I’ll divorce you
Me: *through tears* Decomposer.
Me watching my husband quietly close the dishwasher after taking just one clean dish out
Married people upset because their TC’s “cheated” on them is the real matrix.
I dunno will I understand the new Fast & Furious if I haven’t seen the previous 47?
Him: Alcohol isn’t the answer.
Me: OK, what’s the answer?
Him:
Me: *sips flask*
This Prius we rented is pretty sweet. It can go 0-60 in 6 hours.