[sees a woman eating pizza on the hiking trail]
Me: hi I think we were separated at birth
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Somewhere, a ninja watches “I Didn’t Know I was Pregnant.” An imperceptible smile creeps across his lips. “Damn right you didn’t.”
My resignation letter to HR will be delivered via glitter bomb
Son, your father and I have something to tell you – you were adopted. Your new parents are waiting outside in the car.
unlike drugs, twitter addiction won’t cost you anything, except your social life
knowing stuff is probably the worst thing you could do for your mental health
My wife complains that she has a big ass, I just wish she would stop pointing at me when she says it.
Forget the dress guys….. What color am I?
Spending the day removing $1.6 billion worth of stuff from my Amazon shopping cart.
The sooner you admit that you’ve made a mistake, the sooner you can move on to making bigger and better mistakes.
5-year-old: *spreads arms wide* I love you this much.
Me: Aw.
5: *spreads arms even wider* But I’d love you this much if we had a pool.
We’ve got people working on world peace, and I’m here wondering how I can swipe a piece of my patient’s chocolate without her noticing.
TurboTax: Do you have any dependents?
Me: Just one.
TurboTax: Dependent’s last name?
Me: B-E-Z-O-S
if you aren’t someone the church would’ve killed 400 years ago are you even living?
My dog stayed up late playing with the neighbor dog last night and then he slept till 11am and he won’t tell me a thing about her, is this what it’s like to parent a teenager?
Being paranoid about your govt’s paranoia is a good sign.
Cinco de Mayo means five of mayonnaise in Spanish.
If you were 8 yrs old when “red red wine” was released UB40 now
Hey women, save your money, we just want you wrapped in a bow for Christmas. Wait, don’t even worry about buying the bow.
Me: I’m going to start the day early tomorrow.
WebMD: In the morgue.
Wife: Use the newspaper to get that spider down
Me *reads the news out loud*
Spider *depressed* holy shit
list of casinos I need to burn down in order to prevent my credit score from going to the dogs: ceaser palace, trump cube, chuck e cheese,
Son: what’s the term for animals that come out in the dark?
Me: party?
FOR SALE: baby shoes, made out of 100% baby
Sometimes I like to do tweets that are so obscure they’re not even for the people who get it.
her: i only date woke guys
me: [trying to impress] i have insomnia
Probably the hardest part about being God is deciding between two equally terrible youth soccer teams that have just prayed to win.
yogurts should come in a five pack not four pack or make the work week four days
Me: look who came by for a little sucky sucky
Vampire: don’t say it like that
dream blunt rotation
My doctor advised me to ease back into my exercise regime. So, today I plan on driving past the gym slowly.