*placing Trump & Hillary signs on my lawn
Neighbor: “Confused about who to vote for?”
Me: “What? No! I’m making a Halloween haunted house.”
You Might Also Like
The Hurricane came through here like a tornado
-Lady on the News just now
I don’t want to live on this planet anymore
Wife: I’m leaving you
Me: *Removing my guinea pig’s party hat and covering its ears* On Guineth Paltrow’s birthday?
MARTY McFLY: Wait a minute, Doc. Are you telling me that you built a time machine… out of a Prius?
DOC BROWN: This car will repel women in any time period, Marty. We don’t want anyone accidentally hooking up with their mothers.
[coming home from cinema]
Don’t let that ninja film go to your head again.
*roundhouse kicks the light switch on*
“I won’t”
I have mixed feelings about birthdays, the aging sucks but I do quite enjoy using the day to manipulate people into giving me things.
Counted five pregnant women at this Noah matinee. Praying their water doesn’t break.
Just hugged the cat and he burped. He’s taking being called “My baby” too seriously.
Call me old fashioned, but I never cry in front of another man unless it’s to get out of a speeding ticket…
Shout out to police that ask to see your driver’s license. You gotta hand it to them.
(meeting for naming cereal)
“List the ingredients; maybe we’ll get inspired.”“Honey, bunches of oats–”
“I think we’re done here.”
Parenting is playing hide and seek with your kids but never trying to find them because you enjoy the downtime
Sure, I want to find that perfect for me relationship, but experience has taught me it’s probably cupcakes.
if you’re gonna break up with someone over dinner, make sure you do it after they order food but before it arrives so when they leave then you can finally be alone and you get two dinners
A quick way to get your kids to leave you alone is to say, “I need to make your dentist appointment.”
Don’t be shallow and marry someone just for their looks. Make sure they have money.
Doctor: It’s really not that bad. I’ll get you fixed up with 8 stitches.
Me, uninsured: Do I hear 5 stitches?
Them: be yourself
Me: do you have any better advice
Aww my microbiome fancies some high quality fermented foods does it? A little kombucha perhaps? I don’t give a shit, I’m the megabiome, I do what I want. I’m having a fanta lemon. I’ll swallow coins
life was pretty difficult for me before Legally Blonde taught society to stop discriminating against hot blonde women
Rival dad just flexed on my bird feeder post telling me about his with a built in camera. I may not recover from this.
Something good is coming my way I can feel it. Nothing life changing, probably just a hotdog
God please let it be a hotdog
If Twitter bellies up, I’m getting addresses because we are all pen pals now
Him: You need to work on your communication skills
Me: [through megaphone right up in his face] PLEASE BE MORE SPECIFIC
I’m white but not ‘sleep in front of a store to save $30 on a television’ white.
I accidentally sat on a packet of cheddars today and heard my 4 year old niece say “oh no, my cheds” faintly from across the room
[in ambulance]
“Sir, do you know your blood type?”
“Yeah [coughs & points to wound] red.”
Does anyone remember the song by Sade about the guy who operated the smoothie machine?
I don’t usually cry from onions, but this one’s story is so inspirational.
If I were a hairdresser, my business cards would say, “I’ll cut you.”
Someone just called my phone, sneezed and then hung up.
I’m getting sick and tired of these cold calls.