“Plagiarism Squad reporting for duty.” / “Copy that.”
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Sorry I ate your baby but you shouldn’t have wrapped it like a burrito.
Me: I’ve decided to be a mermaid so I can sing and swim all day and have a coconut phone
Him: But, you hate coconut?
Me. Why the hell would I eat my coconut phone? Ugh. It’s like you don’t even understand reality.
turtles are just lizards who work in construction
Lay with me until everything crumbles and nothing but creeping ivy shields us from the incessant chatter of wandering cadavers. Bring snacks
Turns out when you’re asked who your favourite child is you’re expected to pick from your own.
Thanks for using our drive through. Please park over there and wait 20 minutes and someone will bring out 85% of the stuff you ordered.
I never make my guests take their shoes off at the door because it takes them longer to get out when I want them to leave.
[me getting caught in a lie at a party] I didnt say he owned one I said he worked there
[guy putting his drink down] no no you said your uncle owned a KFC
my toddler lifts up a piece of her salad and declares, “it’s a leaf, mommy.” and then: “let’s put it back outside.”
Facebook: Do you know this person?
Me: Yes!
Facebook: Do you want to connect?
Me: Absolutely not.
When someone looks over my shoulder while I’m on the computer, I open up a new tab and start searching, “HOW TO KILL THE PERSON BEHIND ME.”
Two days ago: omg, I’m so glad I found my watch, I’ll never misplace it again!
Today: *has zero clue where the hell my watch is*
wife: my husband thinks he’s a ghost
marriage counselor: what. where is he
wife: he’s probably trying to come in…
[sound of someone running straight into the door]
Undertaker: “What do you want your husbands gravestone to say?”
Wife: “Nothing. I want a traditional, non-talking one.”
Raccoons are riding wild hogs into battle against the possums. I guarantee you the media will be completely silent about it.
*slips cheat map to my favorite nephew for the annual Easter egg hunt* Now remember, I get half the take.
Your car took up two spaces, I tried to move it over with my key.
* heats water for tea in the microwave *
* delights at the reactions from purists *
My bra randomly unhooked itself. Even it’s done with all this.
Unlike the sons, the Mumford daughters all married at young ages just for the chance to change their names and hide their unfortunate family history of angry banjo playing.
Do you know what’s cooler than those fake chains around your license plate?
Everything. Every single thing in the world.
a house without a chimney should be called a nouse
John Travolta is the only person in history to have ever had chills that were capable of doing math.
7: Dad what does this word mean
Me: Bring me a dictionary
*Smack up side the head
Me: Now go google that shit
‘see you in hell’ so it’s a date?
Beyoncé: Ok now ladies let’s get in formation.
Ladies: Information about what?
Beyoncé: Dammit, ladies, we went over this.
i’m vegetarian, but sometimes i introduce myself as vegan so people will leave me alone
I just wish I had someone who wanted to touch me as much as my shower curtain does.
The 7-yr old has the flu so I’m letting her lick the envelopes of all my credit card bills.
Wife: Are you even listening to me?
Me: Of course
W: Oh yeah, what did I say?
M: [smoke bomb]
W: I can still see you
M: [Another smoke bomb]