Plan “T” is going to work out, I have a good feeling about this one.
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*me on my deathbed* here, I want you to have my basket of cords.
You know what’s worse than someone’s phone alarm playing the tune over and over? Someone else who starts whistling along.
When my boss asks me if I can “take a stab at this”, I always hope she’ll point to that coworker we all hate.
[first day as a mechanic]
customer: can i get a quote?
me: give me liberty or give me death
customer: i meant for the truck
me: oh sorry…autobots, roll out
i ask my toddler what’s in the box she’s holding. “chaos!” she replies. “chaos! chaos!” i know she’s trying to say “crayons,” but it’s not like she’s wrong.
Sometimes vampires bite and kill their victims and sometimes they bite and turn them into vampires. So it’s like, do I just want supper or do I want a BFF?
Twitter,
I told my 10 year old it was too late for chocolate and I’d get us a yoghurt. We sat and ate them. I then went upstairs and ate the kit kat I’d snuck in my sling.
A person’s true character is revealed when the shrimp tray comes out at a party.
HIM: Happy birthday, honey! I got you a gift basket, just like you wanted
HER: Oh thanks! What’s in it?
HIM: What do you mean, “in it”?
ME: I was born a tree…
ALSO ME: …but I’ll dialog.
Don’t get it. Heard the phrase “keep your friends clothes & keep your enemies clothes, sir”. Now I have a bunch of naked people angry at me.
Your home, like all homes, has an extra light switch that appears to do nothing when flipped. Nevertheless, you pass many idle hours curiously flipping it up and down. Far away, enormous dressage horses spawn out of thin air in my kitchen. Stop flipping the horse switch. Please.
Im bored… I think I’ll go to the mall, find a great parking spot and sit in my car, with the reverse lights on…
I had my arm bandaged all day because I got a large tattoo yesterday. So today coworkers were all, “WHAT HAPPENED?”
My answered ranged from “arm herpes” to “sex swing injury.”
Have kids so they make you buy stuff to make for their YouTube channel that doesn’t exist.
The person with duct tape holding most of their car together always has the right-of-way.
Oceanography is all about current events
My cat just sniffed my right eye & licked his lips. When I die alone in my house, he’ll probably eat that eyeball first.
No one will even notice your holiday weight gain if you start carrying pie everywhere you go.
Me: How long should I microwave this for?
Popcorn instructions: How should we know?
gonna make a dog training school and call it harvard so people who went to harvard always have to say “no the one for people”
“No, YOU’VE had too much to drink!”
~Me, to this bar stool
[Jeopardy]
Disease for $500 Alex
“Dysentery, Typhoid, Bubonic Plague, Dengue Fever”
What’s better than catching a man cold?
“Correct!”
My favorite genre of tweet is “person born after I graduated college feels old”
Starting my own social media site called Chaos Realm which is just a Google doc that anyone can edit
For as much as they teach you “Stop, Drop, and Roll” as a kid, I really expected to be on fire at least once in my life.
*nothing on the kitchen table*
*nothing on the living room floor*
*nothing on the coffee table*
*nothing on the dining room table*
7yo: *builds 2,000-piece lego set at the bottom of the stairs*
Is it lovers quarrel or lover squirrel?
either way, couples therapy is going great
Me: I set a record for the rope climb in high school.
4-year-old: You climbed it the fastest?
My wife: He cried the most.
[walking on beach]
[find bottle with message in it]
Message: IS YOUR FRIDGE RUNNING?
[another bottle with message washes against my feet]