*plane crashes in ocean*
*washes ashore island*
*imprisoned by crabs*
*rises to become Crab Emperor*
*assassinated by most trustworthy crab*
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Malicious compliance at its best. Reap what you sow.
Caller: my dog ate chocolate! my girlfriend’s gonna kill me! I’m a dead man, a dead man!
911: calm down, sir. let’s focus on the dog
Caller: oh he’s fine.
911: but you said…
Caller: chocolate was my girlfriend’s cat
(Bedtime)
Me: You know you can ask me anything, buddy- it’s what I’m here for.
8: Do shrimps have necks? Like, could I chop a shrimp in the neck if I had to?
Me: …. Just go to sleep.
Someone just followed me and their bio said they were born in the year 2000 and I was like, “OKAY YEAH SURE, so you’re 3?” and then I realized that the year 2000 was 19 years ago and I am an old person.
It’s subtle, but if a snail has the zoomies, listen close for a soft little wheeeeeeee!
Prank Idea For The Ladies:
Swallow a plastic dinosaur, then make an appointment to get an ultrasound.
Before I go out binge drinking I always eat a stick of butter. It doesn’t do anything I just make really poor life choices.
I’m at my creepiest when I see a drunk chick crying outside of a bar and just think ‘bingo
therapist: im glad u overcame ur fear of snakes and all but-
me, with a snake: ur gonna say i shouldn’t have married this snake aren’t u
doctor’s receptionists when you ask them to book you an appointment which is literally their job
“Can I buy you a drink?”
Sure! What’s your name?
“Uhh. I don’t know. I never get this far”
You don’t know your name?
*sweats* Pants are cool
*speed dating*
I’m a competitive eater!
Date: Are you any good?
[grabbing my suitcase, dumping 45 hotdogs on table] funny you should ask
Doctors say we need a bedtime ritual. Mine is replaying awkward moments from the day and obsessing on them for maximum sleep interruption.
I have a very particular set of skills
*puts down phone*
*sounds of a struggle*
*yells* Ok you can’t see this but I’m totally doing the worm
It’s nice to feel wanted. Even if it’s by the FBI.
Last time I was at the zoo, I got tazed for telling some kids that mountain gorillas were called gorhillas.
Good times.
Who needs expensive lip plumpers when your toddler can hit you in the face with a toy train for free?
*narrows my eyes at you suspiciously*
*keeps narrowing them*
*closes them entirely*
[naps]
My mother: A high forehead is a sign of intelligence.
Me: What does that even mea—
My mother: You have a low forehead.
Deer: *frozen in headlights*
Deer’s mom: I TOLD you to bring a sweater
tonight i learned that my mom ended a friendship because the person in question claimed a baby was flirting, and i have never respected her more
My dad taught me the importance of having convictions in life. Ten felonies later, I now know that some words have more than one meaning.
Shout out to countless marine organisms who died, accreted on the seafloor, and compacted for eons so I could drive my Escalade to Kmart.
Hear me out…
A leaf blower, but for people.
saying “james?” to my mom when i open her car door so people think it’s an uber
Sometimes I have hope for future generations, but then I watch a high school student pick a booger on a Zoom call.
Doctor: Describe your headache.
Me: She’s about 5’8″, blonde, and the mother of my children.
Remember, your neighbours aren’t going to be attacked by killer bees on their own. You have to want it. You need to make it happen.
Just once I want a man to sweep me off my feet and carry me to bed WITHOUT all the groaning, swearing and yelling out “DEAR GOD MY BACK!”