*plane crashes in ocean*
*washes ashore island*
*imprisoned by crabs*
*rises to become Crab Emperor*
*assassinated by most trustworthy crab*
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My wife’s driver license should say “Brain Donor” because she gives me a piece of her mind daily.
Have you seen the new movie, “Constipation”? It may not have come out yet.
family members leaving you things in their will is literally them saying “yeah I’ll give you this… over my dead body”
me: [in bed, hears a weird noise] wtf was that?!
dracula: [bursts out of my closet]
me: did you hear that too?!
dracula: yeah wtf was that?!
The Matrix described 1999 as the peak of human civilization and I laughed because that would obviously not age well but then the next 23 years happened and now I’m like yeah okay maybe the machines had a point
Social media allows me to review all my mistakes in chronological order…with pictures.
police: EMPTY YOUR POCKETS, SLOWLY!
me, wearing cargo shorts: *pulls out 2 burger wrappers* THIS MIGHT TAKE A WHILE *pulls out a doll shoe & floss*
pretty drunk right now and wow there is a lot of gravity on this planet
So many mixed messages in the media. Titanic tells us “never let go.” Frozen says “let it go.” Smdh
I drove for the first time in a long time without the music on……I don’t think cars are supposed to make the sounds I’m hearing.
[first date]
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a pathologist.
Me: Cool! I love hiking too.
[Job Interview]
Boss: What is your best trait?
Me: Procrastination.
B: How is that a positive?
M: I’ll give you my reasons. Later.
god has let me live another day and i’m about to make it everyone’s problem
Haven’t you heard, Fanny packs are back.
Him: It’s just… I’ve never seen anyone eating boiled eggs out of one…
I just sung Mariah Carey’s “Hero” to myself because it seems no one else in this house can put a new roll of toilet paper on the thing.
*watching Dateline* wow this is the worst dating show ever
That’s not how days work.
geese are just mad that we refuse to buy insurance from them
Damn girl are you a bag of sunflower seeds? Cause I wanna spend a bunch of money, work really hard and not be completely satisfied
“Don’t make things all about you for once…”
My mother says hi.
If there’s a kid acting like an adult in your ad I will not buy your product and I’ll buy your competitor’s product even if I don’t need it.
Doing stand up comedy feels like I’m doing a book report on a book I didn’t read.
Millions stunned and blindsided to learn Tim Allen had been on a network sitcom for like the last six years or something
Date: wanna get out of here?
Me: let me just tie my shoe *realizes i don’t know how to tie my shoes* how bout another round of spaghetti
You ever bark back at your dog and then wonder what you just said?
[takes deep breath, whispers to self]
“Be brave, you got this”Me: The Nacho Everest Platter please
Waiter: Ma’am, that is for 4 people
Me: Sir, I don’t like your tone
80% of being Donald Trump is just worrying that the wind will blow your weird combover in the wrong direction.
If your one of those people whose not very good at grammar, that makes too of us.
I spilled beer on a guy. He said “You wanna dance?” I said “Can’t, I don’t have my dancing shoes on.” He was so disappointed, he beat me up.