Remember during the pandemic when we all put aside our differences, realized we were united under one common goal and, together, made the world’s most delicious cheeseburger?
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The region of Qatar that hasn’t been electrified yet is called acoustic Qatar.
[trying to ride a horse]
ME: oh shit how do i slow down?!
GUY OUTSIDE THE SUPERMARKET: this is for children
Forever grateful that thought bubbles aren’t a real thing
That Scene in a Christopher Nolan Film Where You Give Up Trying to Follow the Plot
All my tattoos pretty much mean the same thing. I had money to blow.
5: [bending his own finger backward] THIS HURTS & I DON’T KNOW HOW TO MAKE IT STOP!
Me: [sighs & closes his college savings account]
put my earbuds in so i wouldn’t have to talk with the man next to me on the plane and he asked if he could “borrow one so we could listen together”
how about no fine and just a warning for the first offense
I hate when I think there’s an open parking space and then I have to run over a motorcycle.
At the donut store this morning I point to a photo on the wall and ask “is this a Mapplethorpe print?” The guy asks me how I can recognize art like that. I tell him “I’m an art nerd.” He says “well I’m a donut nerd so I have no idea.”
Learn from your mistakes. Make better & better mistakes until you’re making the best mistakes possible.
BANK EMPLOYEE: what if we stayed open later than 5:30?
CEO: that’s the dumbest shit i’ve ever heard
OTHER BANK EMPLOYEE: how bout a sign outside that displays the temperature 24/7
CEO: first of all, promoted
No, YOU forgot you colored your hair and nearly screamed because there was a strange woman in your hotel bathroom.
When the Olympics finally introduces the event “Dropping your phone and very nearly catching it but not quite” then you’ll all see me shine.
“After he ate the shrooms, Mario ate flowers and pretended he could shoot fireballs out of his hands.”
– Princess Peach, at Couples Therapy
Me: *throws banana peel onto the ground*
Wife: what are you doing?!
Me: what? They’re biodegradable
Wife: *picks peel off the bedroom floor*
Anyone else’s phone make a retching noise when you unlock it with face ID?
Me: can’t I have to go see my therapist
Them: you’ve got to stop calling your bed that
I eat my gummy bears 2 at a time ..no one should die alone
The D word that everyone’s been feeling at work is depression. I guessed the wrong word, apparently.
Aaaaand there’s HR calling me. Brb.
Hiking is useful if you like the outdoors, fitness, or finding new and interesting places to dispose of bodies
As your goth coworker, I will change all “Out of order” signs to “Haunted” signs. Sorry, you can’t use that printer- it’s haunted.
I fear one day my gf will figure out every romantic thing I say to her is a line from Brokeback Mountain.
Why enunciation matters:
9yo: so this guy came to school and pulled a python out of his boxers
Me: WHAT THE HELL?!???
9yo: …BOXES!
Remembering when I was 5 and in the tub, my mom had to answer the phone, so I leapt out the tub, ran down the street naked to a park and punched a kid who threw a rock at me the day before. His Dad saw what happened and chased me up the street to where my Mom was just losing it
parents love texting “call me as soon as you can.” then being like “i just wanted to know if you’d seen westworld”
Everybody’s partner buys a new vacuum cleaner when the filter gets dirty, right? Just mine?
[interview at bank]
Interviewer: what’s your biggest weakness?
Me: I’ve been told I’m a terrible bank robber
Interviewer: what
Me: *looking at fish tank* so is that the safe?
Just got a job opening demanding 13-18 yrs of experience in iOS development.
Do they realize that the platform itself is 8 years old?