ME: I fear the number six.
THERAPIST: That’s odd.
ME: It’s even actually, but you’re a therapist not a mathematician.
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doctor: describe your average night
me: they wear suits of armor
doctor: no I mean at bedtime
me: they probably take it off
Who called it a Spanish teacher instead of an instruction Manuel?
DMV LADY: *showing my new license photo* Do you want to retake it?
Me: no I just look like that
Just once I’d like the guy hired to kill me to complete the job and not fall in love with me.
You ever do something so stupid, your mouth refuses to work so you can’t tell on yourself?
Instead of “single” as a relationship status, it should read “independently owned and operated”
I guess writing “To Whom It May Concern” on the note of apology isn’t the wisest idea when your wife accuses you of being cold and impersonal.
Unsolved Mysteries: We don’t know what happened, and now neither do you.
“I challenge you to a duel!”
“Very well. The weapon?”
“Compliments.”
“A capital choice.”
“Thank you, I- oh! I see you’ve dueled before!”
I won’t tell anyone if I win the lottery, but if I did, you’d see someone else cutting all this damn grass.
Interview Tip #17
be polite and maintain eye contact
[later]
Interviewer: hello
Me: *staring intensely* yes please
Teach your kids how to make friends with people with beach houses. Otherwise you have to buy your own and turns out it’s pretty expensive
—What are we?
—Women!
—What do we want?
— We don’t know!
—When do we want it?
— Now!
My son said it’s not fair I’m the only one that sleeps alone because my sisters sleep together and so do you and dad. I said I totally understand you can sleep with dad and I’ll take your room.
Please donate 30$ to my child’s school funrun so she can get a pencil as a prize, thank you
Hub: Still mad?
Me: Jack & Jill went up the hill
H: To fetch a pail of water
M: Jack fell down & died a violent death
Hub: Ok, still mad
*watching soccer*
Me: I would simply use my hands and carry the ball to the opponents goal.
7: is it tomorrow yet?
Me: nope, it’s still today.
7: aww
“Do you know why I pulled you over?”
“You thought I’d like your pretty lights?”
“Recite the alphabet backwards”
“I can’t even do that sober”
I remember when I could put my shoes on standing up and had that one legged balancing act perfected. It was one Saturday back in 1994, but I remember it.
I don’t want your undivided attention. I want your multiplied attention. Make clones of yourself and give me all of their attention too.
Me, to the fellas: Load up. We getting magical tonight.
HR: Can you explain this??
Me: I thought it was CORNhub, with recipes on how to make delicious corn and corn related dishes
Festive Fact: Women who put on weight over the festive period are 98% more likely to live longer than their partners who point it out.
Sorry, what did you say? I was staring at my ceiling fan wondering what I would do in a scenario where it fell and helicoptered around my house chasing me
ME: A bear is just an angry couch.
PARK RANGER: Sir, get slowly off the bear.
ME: *snuggling in* No. It’s fluffy.
*smokes fat doobie*
*enters hotdog eating contest*
*sets Guinness World Record*
*gets disqualified for using performance-enhancing drugs*
Everyone is scared I am going to take their mans, ma’am I got one at home who doesn’t even like me, I do not have special powers
The goose: Canada’s most violent saxophone.
Ever read something so magnificently stupid that you have to just stare into space for a little while and reconcile with your brain for having been subjected to it.