[plane]
“Is there a doctor on board?”
Im a doctor
“Okay quick the passenger is having a heart att-
Of fine arts
“What?”
Doctor of Fine Arts
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[petting zoo]
ME: *still petting the penguin*
DANNY DEVITO: There’s other people in line, you know.
Oh no, it’s raining! What do I do? What’s a green light? What’s a stop sign? What’s a blinker? Where’s the brake pedal?
~people
“So, why do you want to be a veterinarian?”
[pictures an army of cyborg dogs with laser eyes and jet packs]
…I love to help animals.
I told her love was all about sacrifice, but she still screamed when she saw the dead goat.
me (under my breath): don’t let her know how awkward you are
date: what are you having
me: an ok time
Son won’t eat sandwich I made him but will lick dog bowl
I’m automatically suspicious of anyone who seems to really like me. From now on I want to see nothing but tepid enthusiasm from you, Sunshine.
JUVENAL: Who watches the Watchmen?
ME: I did. It was good.
JUVENAL: No, you’re missing the point.
ME: Well I know there was a lot of subtext, but I think I understood it.
Annoy a Boomer today. Take your time vacating the pickleball court.
CAR SALESMAN: How can I help you?
ME: I’m looking to immediately lose money on a terrible investment.
CAR SALESMAN: That’s my specialty.
She puts the hot in psychotic
The reviews for Cats are in (17% on rotten tomatoes), and they are spectacular.
Everyone has that one vegetable that brings up memories of an ex
Reverse cowgirl because first dates are awkward.
Outside is where I can see all the leg hair I missed when shaving so maybe I should be shaving my legs outside.
[answering machine]
“Hi Mom, leave a message”
My 4yo asked me for a ninja shaped pancake. I made her a circle because that’s all my pancake making skill level allows me to make. She was like, “umm… where’s the ninja??” So I told her that it’s so fast you can’t see it and she said “wow! Thanks mom!” Lmao
I took a test to see if I have multiple personalities. I scored 100%, 92%, and 88%.
I was having sex with this woman for 10 minutes before I realized it was a man, and then for like 20 minutes after.
“We need a solid plan to defeat ISIS.”
Galaxy Note 7: I have an idea
I miss this era type of pranks😭
Friend: What time is it?
Me: (pulls out phone, checks Twitter and Facebook notifications, puts phone away)
Friend: Well?
Me: Well what?
5 year old: Mommy, I traded 31 emeralds for 41 bread!
Me: Cool! I just did that at Whole Foods
I could totally identify with REM if the song had been called “Losing my Shit” instead
Practice self-care like a mummy, wrap your body tightly with a blanket & put an ancient curse onto anyone who disturbs you.
I wish more modern politics was about trying to stop the fulfilment of an ancient prophesy.
Good news: It works the other way around.
I entered “internal bleeding” & “unconscious” in WebMD and it said I have a stuffy nose.
Phew.
when someone’s guiding me into a parking spot:
[during home renovation]
My spouse, screaming: There’s a dead body in the walls!
Me: What a relief, I was afraid you found mold.