[planning a heist]
Robber 1: this will be the biggest hoist of all time
Robber 2: wait are you saying hoist or heist?
Robber 1: hoist
Robber 2: …
Robber 1: it’s just how I pronounce it
Robber 2: so you know this is a heist
Robber 1: DUDE MY NAME IS ROBBER 1 I KNOW WHAT WE DO
You Might Also Like
[Whole Foods]
Woman: MY COCONUT WATER BROKE!
*I drive her to the hospital and she names her first coconut after me*
TEACHER: and James, what does your daddy do?
JAMES: he’s a-
ME, still undercover: A DRUG DEALER I’m a drug dealer
a murder of crows, a pride of lions, a virgin of gamers
When people ask me for something at work I say, “Sure! Let me see here..” and rummage around in my desk drawer until they leave
I tried a onesome before, but I started catching feelings.
My kids are mad at me because I never unwrap the cheese slices in their sandwiches
When my boss asked me who is the stupid one, me or him?
I told him everyone knows he doesn’t hire stupid people……
Pro: I will make you a gourmet meal.
Con: I will pronounce the t in gourmet.
So, I’m officially off the market. Got a DM from a faceless Avi proposing marriage in broken English. We’re planning a June wedding!
2020 has lasted five years but October only lasted a week.
All I want for Christmas is a domesticated raccoon that wants to eat lasagna with me & go on quirky adventures. It would also be nice if the raccoon could do magic but I understand that is asking a lot and therefore, it is not required.
*Smashes the Sony
*Destroys the Panasonic
*Pummels the Kenwood
*Rips apart the Pioneer
~breaking all stereotypes
don’t you dare tell me journalism is dead
Dress sloppy at work and people will think you don’t know what you’re doing. Dress too nice and people will think you know what you’re doing. So you see my dilemma.
ME: I got us a custom headstone!
WIFE: I’m not being immortalized in one of your dumb jokes
ME: Just read it
WIFE: “Tomb it may concern…”
You want me to fill my glass with ice? The thing that sunk the Titanic?
People are waiting for flying cars and I’m just waiting for my supermarket to install cup holders on trolleys so I can have tea while I shop
If Satan ever loses his hair, there’ll be hell toupee
[me as a knight]
Me: squire, young squire…do you have the time?
Squire: sir by the judge of the sun, it is 3pm
Me: wrong squire, it is (shutting visor) knight time
Also, those little Swiss Army knives are great when you need a tiny pair of scissors to open your Gummi Bears like some kind of crack head.
Just misread a headline ‘Trump wins big’ as ‘Trump bins wig’. I thought: ‘about time too’.
so
the limit is 412 chicken nuggets
Wife: Rock the baby.
Me: *plugs in amp*
I WISH I WERE PAC-MAN SO WHEN I GOT UPSET I COULD EAT SOME CHERRIES & EVERYONE AROUND ME WOULD TURN INTO GHOSTS
*wife runs back into our house which is on fire*
What are you doing!?
W: I just want to straighten up a little before the firemen get here
Me: Ok, who got Oreo filling on the couch?
Husband:
4:
7:
Me: Well…
7: It really could have been any of us.
4: (licks couch)
One day you’re young and spry and the next you’re watching videos of people taste testing their friends’ Subway sandwich orders.
I cleaned out my car and washed it, and now I feel like I can properly look down on others like god intended.
how much longer is mercury in the microwave i don’t know if i can handle it