[planning for wedding]
i found us a remote location
“Omg where?”
*points to fanny pack stapled to wall above TV*
The remote goes there now
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Me in a huff: you just said disrobe down to my socks. You didn’t say anything about staying in the exam room
(me hosting a paranormal show): you look like you’ve seen a ghost!
Director: for the tenth time please stop saying that
Poor helium. I like to imagine there’s a shelium out there somewhere, waiting gaseously
We’d been married for 5yrs before we heard the patter of tiny feet. In time even the kids learned to live with the massive rat infestation
u guys like coachella? u know who else was in a desert with people who didn’t shower? Moses. hi i’m your new youth pastor Keith
Facebook 2007: are you a teenager who wants to find out if your crush is single?
Facebook 2017: are you an aunt who wants revenge
Stop sending me this shit.
GYM TIP: Work out smart, not hard!
A lot of people at the gym go and lift the big weights. But actually, the small weights are lighter and much easier to lift.
My work has one of those little clock in / clock out punch cards like the movies and let me tell you, it’s a thrill and a half!!!
kind of messed up that baby blue is a color
if your baby is blue ur doing a pretty bad job
Mom: I called you bc I was watching a TV show & thought of you!
Me: Ya? What show?
My Mom (laughing): A show about Aliens!Very funny Mom!
Survival Tip:
If confronted by a dinosaur while hiking, politely but firmly explain that it is extinct.
If I get murdered please arrest the person who goes on tv and says I had “a zest for life.” I don’t care if they’re the killer but I don’t want my memory disrespected like that.
My cousin got hit by a car while jogging this morning. Drunk driver plowed right through the front of his Planet Fitness
So #Scaramucci lands a job, gets his boss fired, has a baby, gets a divorce, and is fired in the same week? Sounds like a Seinfeld episode.
Asteroid the size of two Newfoundland Dogs or five Goldendoodles or 12 Corgis or 27 Chihuahuas strikes earth off the coast of Iceland.
“Hello welcome to meteorologist school. Please stick your head out of the nearest window and pick your diploma up on your way out.”
Pringles, it’s time to widen the can. Your target demographic isn’t thin-wristed.
me: before you hire me, you should know i take things
interviewer: like what?
me: time and care
interviewer: oh haha
me: also xanax, company money, and two-hour morning shits
i did not spend hours helping you clean your house just to be yelled at for hiding dishes in the oven
tried to stop my dog from swallowing a hammer but it was tool ate
sigh
My cable froze and Ray Liotta was staring at me for like 30 minutes. It changed me, man.
Boss: What’s your five-year goal?
Me: Paid administrative leave.
“You ruined everything.”
-People exaggerating when you only ruined like one or two things, tops
11-year-old: I can’t wait until it’s too cold outside for spiders.
Me: That just means they’ll come inside.
11: No furnace this year.
Most of Twitter could probably use a good bop on the nose with a rolled up newspaper
Judge: State your name.
Me: Not Guilty
Judge: What?
Me: I had it legally changed.
Judge: You’re Not Guilty?
Me: *moonwalks outta there*
Don’t call me “Dad”, please call me by my professional title, “Half-Eaten Food Connoisseur Broken Toy Engineer Butt-Wipeologist”.