[planning for wedding]
i found us a remote location
“Omg where?”
*points to fanny pack stapled to wall above TV*
The remote goes there now
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HIM: ”License and registration.”
ME: *slides him fish*
HIM: …
ME: *slides him another fish*
HIM: “Have a good day, sir.”
A coworker started telling my kids a story with the sort of zeal you often see from people who don’t have kids of their own. It took less than 4 minutes of inquiries and interruptions for my son to completely break her spirit and bring storytime to a grinding halt. That’s my boy.
The greatest ending to a video game to ever exist.
Please please please please please please please…
-me, flushing someone else’s toilet
What kind of monster sits in a rocking chair and doesn’t rock
[commercial for college]
*person shoveling money into furnace*
Narrator: Don’t you wish there was a better way?
BOSS: I’m sorry I just don’t trust your judgment.
ME: [trying to pick up glass of water with both fists wedged in Pringles tubes] explain..
The Titannic: Be gentle, it’s my first time.
Iceberg: Okay, just the tip.
I want my tombstone to read:
Don’t feel too bad, he really liked sleeping
Don’t bring up something I said 30 minutes ago. I’m a different person, I’ve changed since then.
[reviewing security cam footage to see what’s eating out of my trash at night] mother of god it’s me
Me: “Dude, I brought another dress for you to clean.”
Dry cleaner: *takes off headphone* “Sorry, come again?”
Me: “No, mustard.”
Country rooooads
Let’s-a goooo
It’s-a meeeee
MariooooooMushroom Kingdooom
Mama Miaaaa
Take me Hoooome
Rainbow Roaaad
When I have a daughter I’m naming her Leroy. No guy will ever say “Yo bro I hooked up with Leroy last night” how would that sound?
Computer: Do you trust this device?
Me: Why? Is there something you’re not telling me?
Do you wish you were always broke?
Are you tired of having a thriving social life?
Is too much sleep boring you?Parenthood. It’s for you
Before a long trip I drink allot of alcohol the night before. Dehydration will work for me for once.
Two tips for faster jogging: hot guy in front of you and creepy dude behind
I started drinking more water and now all my workouts consist of walking back and forth to the bathroom.
Taken 4: How does this shit keep happening
omg i love that my Tinder date has floor drains in all the rooms of his deserted farmhouse
4yo-“Can I have this granola bar?”
Me-“You don’t like granola bars.”
4yo-“I DO!”
Me-“You have never liked these. I promise you don’t.”
4yo- “I YIKE THEM! I want it!”
“…fine. Here ya go.”“Mom. I don’t yike this granola bar.”
humans can accomplish so much, unless it’s parking at a shopping center during the holidays
my dog when i have a friend over
gimma back my stick frost man… 😖☃️
Police: Sir, you account is hacked.
Me: Twitter?
Police: No, bank account.
Me: Oh, thank god !!
I really want a family
sized bag of peanut butter m&ms
Me: time for bed
Brain: yeah I’m tired too
M: really? wow we may actually get some slee-
B: hey do you think anyone’s died in this house?
*kicking off my shoes at the end of the day but my feet go with them* haha whoops
Hand-sanitizer gives you that clean, my hands are still dirty, feeling.