[planning heist]
LEADER: we can kill the alarm, but how do we get through the concrete wall?
*everyone turns to look at the kool-aid man*
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“Have you tried drinking more water?”
is the new
“Have you tried turning your computer off and turning it back on again?”
of health advice.
[creation]
GOD: Let’s name some of you bugs
FLY: Me first!
GOD: Okay…Fly
FLY: Hell yeah!
BUTTERFLY: Now me!
GOD: Hmm…Butterfly
FLY: Sonuvab-
my wife preps for bed with a routine of reading, aromatherapy & no screen time
i prep for bed by only sleeping 3 hours the night before
I just want everyone to know my daughter is a monster. She is dipping french fries in honey mustard. I have failed as a mother.
Men with salt and pepper hair and healthy self-care habits will do that thing you like*
*Remind you to drink water.
“GENTLEMEN, WE ARE AT WAR WITH TROY AND MUST NOT DROP OUR GUARD AT ALL”
“Sir, the enemy gave us a giant wooden horse”
“Oh rad bring it in”
*date*
GIRL: I love hot tubs. Do you love hot tubs?
LOBSTER: That’s like the third time you’ve asked me that.
I can walk up to any dog, rub its butt and make a friend. That trick only works about half the time on people.
been doing nothing but overeating and avoiding exercise since this quarantine started and for the last 10 years before that
Cop: License and registration
Me: Sure. *opens glove compartment; twenty eight packs of expired ketchup, three pairs of sunglasses and the Crown Jewels of Ireland fall out* Sorry. Just a sec
I never make my guests take their shoes off at the door because it takes them longer to get out when I want them to leave.
interviewer: for your most recent job you put down “i cleaned out my car some”
me: that’s right
interviewer: and for a reference you put down “my friend jarret”
me: he was there
Interviewer: Please put your kazoo away
Oh your baby’s name is Walter?
Is he close to retirement?
My 6yo just told me that because I need music to get motivated that makes me ‘radioactive’
Autocorrect wants to capitalize bacon, out of respect.
Maybe everyone can just pee outside from now on so I never have to clean the toilets again, kthanks.
*goes out*
*realises why I stay in.*
I’ll bet Charles Manson would’ve made one hell of a used car salesman. If he could talk a bunch of kids into murder, how hard could it be for him to get you into a 97 Camry?
My fortune cookie fortune:
___________________________
| |
| *ʀᴇᴘʟᴀᴄᴇ ᴛᴏɴᴇʀ* |
|__________________________|
[inventing eggnog]
Exec: Gag them, but festively.
“Where were you?”
“Working late.”
“Do you think I’m stupid?”
“Don’t be paranoid, Loretta.”
“Paranoid? Paranoid?!?”
“Just calm d-”
“GO LOOK IN THE MIRROR MARVIN.”
On the list of things I fear the most, “death” comes in as a close second to “audience participation”
Me: [has trouble opening up to people and making real, lasting connections my entire life]
My Kid: [makes 3 new friends and joins a gang on his first day of 4th grade]
Everything was going exactly as planned and then I woke up.
Chess in Australia must be hard.
“Check, mate”
“Checkmate?”
“What?”
“Huh?”
Sure sex is cool, but have you ever pulled an old book off a bookcase, opened a secret door & were never seen again
Jeopardy is petty. If you asked someone “What is snow?” No one would say: It’s doubtful an Eskimo would have Chionophobia, a fear of this.
Are you watching Point Break or The Fast and the Furious?