[planning heist]
LEADER: we can kill the alarm, but how do we get through the concrete wall?
*everyone turns to look at the kool-aid man*
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mob boss: i need u take out the rat
[later]
rat: [sets napkin down] the cheese was to die for
me: yes it was
rat: what
Who decided that we have to get stuff done every day?
Marital Status: My husband is mad at me because I cheered for the wrong college football team.
My boyfriend’s boss is scared of getting the coronavirus so naturally she has decided that instead of finishing at 5:30 they will finish at 4:30, because as we all know the coronavirus only comes out after 5
He died doing what he loved, rearranging the dishes in the dishwasher after I put them in.
Pro tip: Sleep and nap with gloves on, so they can’t unlock your iPhone with your fingerprints.
If it’s so good why can’t I find a single car wash that carries the Brazilian wax thingy you guys keep tweeting about?
[Joseph checking in to hotel]
“Is there WiFi?”
Only in the stable
*later to Virgin Mary*
“Honey, hotel was booked. Gotta stay in the stable”
When I was 8 yrs old, I walked to school by myself; now you have to hold your kid’s hand right up to their first drug deal.
[eulogy] “Before we get started I’d like to ask Jenny, Dawn, Rachel, the deceased’s 2 sons and the entire front row to put down your phones”
A lady on NextDoor just asked for a pet psychic that could really blow her mind and honestly, stay gold NextDoor.
Dating:
“No you hang up!”
“No you hang up!”
“No you hang up!”
“No you hang up!”Marriage:
“No you shut up”
“No you shut up”
“No you shut up”
“No you shut up”
batman: I protect the innocent, the helpless, the people with no one left to save them
alfred: right
batman: also need you to make another costume, I adopted an angsty orphan and wanna send him to fight an insane clown
my youngest is about to become a teen so that makes me a teen mom, right?
[date]
Her: so you’re a mathematician?
Me: no actually I’m a *pythagorean doves fly out of my sleeve and hit her in the face* mathemagician
If by ‘paleontologist’ you mean I can name all 5 shapes in the box of dinosaur chicken nuggets then, yes, I am a paleontologist.
The department of wildlife got back to me and said there’s nothing they can do about the size of crows.
[on plane]
Me: It’s ok, more ppl are killed by hippos than by plane crashes
Pilot: This is your captain speaking, I’m a hippo btw
Me: Nooooo
I never had children but I still get to watch my dogs find clever ways to avoid eating broccoli.
I don’t have a swear jar anymore, I have a swear barrel
“Anybody got any change?”
My body tenses as I whisper to my little zippered coin purse, “It’s go time.”
Him: Can you decide quickly?
Me, 20 minutes later: No.
Me: Pick up your toys please.
5yo: Who’s coming over?
I embrace aging gracefully
And bitterly
With good humor
And rage
Bad Cop: The proof is in the pudding.
Good Cop: Stop putting all our evidence in pudding. Why do you keep putting our evidence in pudding?
honey, i think the milk’s gone bad
“i only bought it yesterday”
yeah well, look at this..
*milk is running a meth lab in the fridge*
Her: *5 paragraphs of text
Me: 👍
Most of being an adult is just trying to figure out where that bruise came from.
*waits to answer so he misses me*
(5 seconds later) okay, that’s long enough