[planning heist]
Me: We’ll need the element of surprise.
Neil deGrasse Tyson: [appears] Actually, such an element does not exist. Hi, I’m Ne
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Dear people up north: Your weather is down here drunk in my front yard. Please come get it.
INTERVIEWER: Do you have any hidden talents?
ME: I taught myself how to play piano
INTERVIEWER: By ear?
ME: No, just with my hands
“This syrup tastes funny…”
-Me, drunk, putting soy sauce on my pancakes
I have a video appointment with my doctor.
I’m going to hang a photo of an empty examination room in front of the webcam and show up fifteen minutes late so he can experience what I normally go through.
business idea: a dating app that only matches Adams with Steves
The only thing more predictable than the conspiracy theories is some people’s inability to distinguish Indonesia from Malaysia. #AirAsia
[boarding a flight]
me (to the pilot): “ohhhhh boy. who let this guy in here.”
pilot (chuckling): “good morning sir”
me (way too familiar): “you’re not gonna cause trouble today, are you?”
pilot (annoyed): “what?”
me (getting really serious): “you need to be playful with me”
Just heard a guy at the dog park tell his dog “NO!” and then more quietly, “We talked about this!”
sin harder.
Dinner is ready!
-my smoke detector
Be your mom’s favorite by not having to make her count to three.
[recovering from food poisoning]
Me: Finally feeling better
Leftovers in the fridge: You up?
Adorable idea. Colleagues have been writing names on their food in the office fridge. I am currently eating a yoghurt called Debbie
I’d be a terrible coroner. My reports would say something like: Subject is 44yo male. Cause of death, asphyxiation. Nice jaw. One unruly eyebrow. Strong hands. Excellent manscaping. We probably would have been great friends, possibly lovers. 8/10 stars.
PET PEEVE: Cutting donuts in half.
Either experience the complete joy of a full donut or fully punish yourself. None of this half-measure crap, please.
I love picking out my wife’s panties except this isn’t my house and now some dudes are yelling for me to come downstairs with my hands up
OMG I forgot to read my horoscope and now I have no idea what life has in store for me today!!!!!!
To any ex-military that live on my street I apologize for whatever messages we may be sending, 2yo has discovered light switches
Boss: You gonna get any work done today?
Me: Sorry Boss, I was up late watching the game, I’ll pick it up.
B: Who won?
M: Jack Daniels
Kid: Can we pleeease stop for ice cream?
Mom: What did I just say?!?
Kid: Don’t you remember?
Welcome to your forties, when you start saying things like “This store isn’t open yet? It’s almost 7am!”
Nudes are overrated. You should probably just send me a picture of those little plastic swipy things in your wallet.
My friends are fully aware that our designated meeting times are rough estimates.
A movie where humans escape their fences and chase innocent, terrified dinosaurs.
This is the coolest video you will see today.
I have a fold up treadmill under my fold up bed, so by the time I get the treadmill set up, I’m like “That’s enough exercise for today”
[Our sex tape gets leaked]
Wife: Now do you believe me that you snore?
A group of contradictions is called a “Bible.”
WIFE: Where are you off to?
ME: Shits & giggles.
WIFE: What?
ME: I’m gonna read funny tweets on the toilet.
I’m not exaggerating when I say I’m into old guys — the last guy I dated had an aol email address.