Planning on buying my daughter a Volvo so she’s safe but with a mismatched door so she gets the struggle.
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Walk slow and never assume the automatic door will open.
Remember kids, the Toys R Us bankruptcy and liquidation teaches us that poor spelling and grammar will always catch up with you eventually.
*Biden climbs tree*
“Joe, you better get outta that fuckin tree.”
*Obama revs chainsaw*
I’m not dumb Barack. That’s way too heavy to throw.
I think I’ll take the swab. Thanks though.
I once worked with a girl named Brittanica…she was a bit aloof though I didn’t really know how to read her
Customer: do you sell {item}?
Coworker: oh, yeah but I’m just having a hard time getting it in
Me: *resisting the urge to go nudge, nudge, wink, wink, eh?, phrasing boom, that’s what she said*
When your lying in bed and you sneeze upwards towards a moving ceiling fan there’s really no need to take a shower for the rest of the day.
Trust me on this.
My wife has close friends whose husbands are notably worse than me and I highly recommend this arrangement
My husband got his hand stuck in the dishwasher.
So of course I had to fire her.
My father claims there’s nothing like being independent and yet he hasn’t washed a dish since 1975.
I opened a bottle of wine to let it breathe.
It didn’t. So I gave it mouth to mouth.
WIFE: He treats our marriage like it’s a talk show
THERAPIST: Is this true?
ME: *turns and winks at camera* We’ll find out after the break
Me: My blood pressure is sky high. I need to get my affairs in order.
Him: Make a will?
Me: I was thinking flings with hot men, but OK.
At some point in your life people stopped getting excited when you finished all the food on your plate.
WIFE: I’m pregnant
ME: oh god no
WIFE: I’m kidding
ME: I heard you the first time
For most people, bikini season lasts a few short summer months; but I catch enough & store them so efficiently I get to eat bikini all year round.
If we could see the world through the eyes of a child, we’d see so many more doorknobs.
My wife gives me the speaking treatment.
So many women brag about finding chips in their cleavage… But if you really want to impress a man, you pull out a meatloaf.
“Get a load of this guy!”- Receptionist at a sperm bank.
I may not look like the toughest guy at the bar but I was a psychology major, I studied writing for decades, and you do NOT want me sending your boss a message on LinkedIn
Her: so you’re a teacher? What do you teach?
Me *nervous*: children
You don’t realize how old a movie is until you see the computer in it
I believe meat is murder, vegetables are burglary, bread is mail fraud and dairy is impersonating a police officer.
Spent way too much time walking around the house trying to track down an odd noise that turned out to be a whistle in my nose.
Co-workers. Because why should all your headaches come from family members.
At the store, I selected some tortillas, turned and found a woman strolling wordlessly away with my shopping cart, leading me to the realization I had left MY cart in frozen foods and just casually stolen and done 50 feet of browsing with hers, confirming I am bad at everything.
*donates body to science*
Science: “I have a boyfriend”
Paranormal activity camera 3:33am…
Only catches me eating a chicken leg while doing the robot in my underwear.
Tim Cook bravely announces he’s gay.
The world pats his hand like a kindly grandmother.
“We know, dear.”