Planning on buying my daughter a Volvo so she’s safe but with a mismatched door so she gets the struggle.
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*orders a medium pizza*
*opens box*
PIZZA: I’ve contacted your late grandmother. She wants you to know-
*eats pizza*
If you’ve already seen a bunch of poodles jumping rope in unison today, just keep scrolling. 🐩 🐩🐩🐩🐩🐩
If you didn’t bring enough cough syrup for everyone, maybe don’t drink it in front of us, Gary.
Shout out to politicians for keeping the word “folks” alive.
Whole Foods just notified me that I’ve won a “Lifetime Supply of Fresh Kale” which in my case is one kale.
Would it kill the makers of avocados to put a different toy inside?
*bunny hops to the smell of bacon cooking
I leave notes around the house to remind me of things I need to do, like “Pick up milk” or “Pay gas bill” or “Stop wasting your life away”
This picture says the only time the queen has ever used a knife before this moment, is to kill someone.
I’m constantly amazed that only 26 letters in the alphabet can produce so much bullshit.
I just ate an entire cake to get the taste of salad out of my mouth.
Me: Sir, is this corn maze GMO free?
Him: It’s five dollars.
Just realized the Master Card logo is a Venn diagram.
There are four golden girls and four teenage mutant ninja turtles but ask yourself, why have we never seen them all together in the same place?
I keep overhearing people complaining about eavesdroppers.
3 – DAD! HEY DAD!
Me: Don’t yell from the door son! Walk here and talk to me
3 – *walks over*
3 – I stepped in dog poop, what should I do?
Me: What do you say when someone shows you a pic of their ugly baby?
Friend: Just make a comment like “Look at all that hair!”
[looking at pic later on]
Me: Look at all that nose!
The DaVinci Code but it’s just me trying to unlock the secret to why there are so many crumbs in my toddler’s bed
[whispering to coworker who liked my status about having to put my dog down but never commented] so you like dead dogs do ya meghan?
do you think when Lightning McQueen threw the Piston cup to drive The King over the finish line a Honda Civic somewhere was destroying his living room after losing $10,000 on his parlay
[Me getting cut off in traffic]
GET OFF YOUR PHONE AND WATCH WHERE YOU’RE GOING!
[Notices USMC sticker]
AND THANK YOU FOR YOUR SERVICE!
*walks in at 3am*
Wife: OMG, what happened?
Me: I was attacked.[front door 5hrs later]
Neighbor: What happened to our inflatable Santa?
Just ordered Dominos while at Dominos because I need a ride home.
Why are karate people always breaking boards? Did boards kill their parents?
The other day I opened the center console in my wife’s vehicle and chap sticks sprang out of there like snakes in a can.
“Are you good and hard for me yet?”
– me boiling eggs
I got mood poisoning. Must have been something I hate.
If you guys need me I’ll be strutting confidently through a parking lot toward a car that turns out not to be mine.
THE TOP TEN WORDS OF 2012!!
1. End
2. Of
3. Year
4. Top
5. Ten
6. Lists
7. Are
8. Exercises
9. In
10. Stupidity
JUDGE: how do you plead
ME: Whats the one where you killed a ton of people but you don’t want to tell anyone
JUDGE: not guilty
ME: that one