[Planning Rustic Vacation]
Me: Should we rent a cabin or a cottage?
Her: What’s the difference?
M: Well, cottages are usually home to witches who eat children; cabins usually contain partying teens who get murdered by a psychopath.
H: I meant in price.
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[texting]
WIFE: need to talk when u get home
ME: about what
WIFE: too much to text just wait till u get home
ME: *never goes home*
*first time at a Michelin restaurant*
Me: “One order of tires, please.”
Cop – “Sir are your trafficking these children?”
Me – “No sir, they are my children.”
Cop – “ Then why are they screaming ‘HELP HELP, get me out!’ as loud as they can?”
Me – “Sorry, there was a fly in the car.”
Cop – “EWW, A FLY!!!”
Y’all ever flex on vampires by just walking into people’s homes uninvited
“Not all guys wearing Flannel shirts are Lumberjacks.” *hits tree with axe* ” Take me for example. I just hate trees.”
When you know it’s a French word but you can’t quite remember which one
[smallpox]
Only 1890’s kids will get this
Me: Will you marry me?
Girlfriend: No.
Hot air balloon pilot: It takes me about an hour to land this thing so this is now awkward.
“You do you” is the nicest way to call someone an idiot.
Genie: *rubbing temples* you could have just asked for $300 in one wish
Me: How do I let someone know that I like them?
Her: Always start with eye contact
Me: *Pokes her in the eyes Three Stooges style*
I’m not getting in a self-driving car until we can figure out how to prevent automatic toilets from flushing while you’re still using ’em
What the hell did you order?
– me when the drive thru line isn’t moving
Me, eating catfish: This looks nothing like it did on the menu.
If you wake me with a text at 5am, I will answer you because I’m helpful but the answer will be that night at 2am because I’m also vengeful.
I hope when I get old, my motorized wheelchair is fast enough the catch the ice cream truck.
Rich people’s advice basically is like: Go be rich and follow your dreams while saving 90% of your salary
If you want to go on a wild adventure then just let your kid make up the rules for a board game
Me: I heard the Herpes Virus is linked to Alzheimers.
Pharmacist: True. Name please.
Me: I have no idea.
Please, person who just said “libary”, tell me more about what an avid reader you are.
“Nice to meet you. What’s your real name? Want to see my dick?” – Every Kik convo, ever
God: your name is Owl.
Owl: who?
God: you. your name is Owl.
Owl: I know I’m just messin with ya.
God: ok then state your name.
Owl: your name. lol.
God: are you serious?
Owl: no i’m Owl : )
God:
Owl:
God: [under breath] you’ve made a powerful enemy today.
Owl: who?
A man played Justin Bieber to force an attacking bear to run off. He was treated for his injuries, then arrested for cruelty to animals.
There’s that girl again. Time to impress her.
*Rolls down the window blasting a science podcast*
“We are launching new bright color marketing, we heard people like it!”
Who? Who did you ask? Cardi B? Vanilla Ice? DJ Jazzy Jeff?
[couple who talks via walkie talkie]
GIRL: [into walkie] this relationship is over, over
GUY: *cries into walkie* it’s roger isn’t it?? over
Me: How much for the goth cucumber?
Clerk: That’s a cactus…
Why learn a second language, when you don’t have anything interesting to say in your first one?
How is there not an STD Clinic called, “Clap on Clap off”?
😲 WTF? 😆