@johnroderick: Planning to edit the three Hobbit movies into one watchable movie. Should I use Instagram or Vine?
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@Xoolun: Being a single man has to be depressing when you think that even a guy like Hitler had a girlfriend.
@NotThatKevin: I said my wife's name three times in front of the bathroom mirror and now my wallet's empty...
@blimeyguvnor: I got the lyrics wrong and partied like it's 1599. Now my kitchen smells like roast peacock and I can't get this horse off my couch
@Brianhopecomedy: My wife said that I set up the baby monitor wrong. Apparently it's not supposed to be duct-taped to the baby's ankle.