Plastic bags biodegrade quicker than my mum getting to the point on the phone.
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She told me she liked it doggy style so I gave her a treat & took her for a walk.
You are all invited to my murder shed, I mean my shed
Hip-Hop & Dancing go hand & hand for my generation.
i only got hired to babysit one time and i let the kid drink from a puddle. well technically we both drank from the puddle
Seems legit
bank website: you have one password attempt remaining before we kill your entire family
Note to self:
When the wife asks “Do you like my new hair”, don’t reply with “It’ll grow back, right?”
Cute cat
“Thanks. We dont let him in though cause he shreds”
You mean sheds?
“No” [gestures to cat shredding to Van Halen on the back patio]
Cartoons made it seem like I’d be regularly hit in the head with fallen anvils, but it’s only happened to me three times.
Get off my horse you stupid moon
Jehovah’s witnesses don’t celebrate Halloween, I’m guessing it’s because they don’t appreciate random people coming up to their doors.
if you’re a 28 year old who has snorted ketamine in an art gallery bathroom, it seems that you are not, in fact, “baby.” a baby wouldn’t do that
I want my funeral to be invitation only. There are people I don’t want to be around even if I’m dead.
Me: OMG WHAT THE HELL
Child: The news said it’s more sanitary to sneeze into an elbow.
Me: THEY MEAN YOUR OWN ELBOW
How many vultures circling you is good luck?
10: Dad, what’s the opposite of “discombobulated?”
Husband:
Me, yelling from the kitchen: You don’t know, do NOT say “combobulated!”
Me: The face is a tortilla. The eyes are banana slices and the mouth is made of peanut butter. His name is Bertram. He’s my best friend.
[12 minutes later]
Me: I have eaten my best friend.
CDC: we need 2 million ventilators
STARBUCKS BARISTA: what’s a lator
Having Justin Bieber sing at your funeral so your death will be the second worst thing happening to your friends that day.
No, he would not have.
Imagine if dogs giggled when you tickled them.
my sister took her 4 yr old to adopt a pet kitten and she immediately ran to the black one, picked it up and held it to her face as she said, “i’m a witch now, i can’t wait until school tomorrow.”
i’m afraid for whoever crossed her at preschool
zookeeper: [putting up sign] do not feed the animals
giraffe: [also putting a sign up somehow] the zoo does not speak on our behalf
This made me laugh more than it should’ve 😭
IRS: You claimed deductions for coffee and alcohol?
Me: They’re my dependencies.
IRS: It’s “dependents.”
Me: Oh, hahaha! Is prison hard?
“Long story short” makes your story three words longer.
[in car with wife]
“did you take $20 from my purse?”
*sips $3 coffee* no
*gets rear ended and $17 worth of sour candy falls out of glovebox*
Sorry but why wasn’t Jesus suspicious when he got invited to the “Last Supper”
Cult leader: we need to sacrifice a virgin to appease the Gods.
*everyone looking at me wearing Jorts*
Me: what?
My son is sitting next to me here playing some kinda shooting game and complaining about people using aimbots.
As someone who’s cleaned his bathroom I wish he’d use them too.