Plastic silverware: because the only thing I hate more than poisoning the environment is washing dishes.
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Closed pistachios are further proof there is no god.
I’m just a short girl, sitting in a car, being strangled by my seat belt.
oh shoot the farmers market was out of cocoa krispies and actually ‘never had them’ and they ‘don’t think I understand what a farmers market is’
Two-word love stories:
Cancelled plans
Apple crumble
Half day
Chocolate orange
Empty carriage
Staying in
Free bar
Golden retriever
Jacket potato
Beer garden
New socks
Early night
Cheese board
Bank holiday
Pancake day
Lie in
Home time
Ice lolly
Large chips
Water slide
Hot tea
If you want to see a true tyrant in action, put one of your kids in charge of the other ones.
Just heard a lady tell a 4yo to “get it together!” I’m not sure she knows how 4yos work.
Kid: Daddy will you sing that song about the cars
Me: Sure buddy: “One of them dames was sexy as hell, I said “oh I like your size.” She said “my car’s broke down and you seem real nice, Would ya let me ride?”
Wife: I think he means wheels on the bus…
I think it’s fair to question whether or not Barack Obama is an American. I mean, look at him.
He’s awfully thin…
[my last day as a transplant surgeon]
Oh, my bad! I thought you said “kid knees.”
It’s not procrastination, if you don’t do it at all. 🤨
If we can put a satellite in orbit around a comet 4 billion miles away, perhaps someday we can put a working wireless printer in my office.
Found a fly on his back by my keyboard. So dead. So sad. Put a cocktail umbrella by his head. Now he looks like he’s suntanning.
Is it fall yet? I really can’t suck my stomach in much longer.
[out in public]
12: did you know if you stick out your tongue and bite down on it you can’t breathe thru your nose?
me: [showing him he’s wrong]
12: now you look like an idiot
me: i hate kids man.
im gonna have a productive weekend
*watches 3 seasons of a show*
*organizes shirts by softness*
*naps 5 times*
ugh i never have enough time
Who called it a knock off designer watch and not a Fauxlex
I think my husband is psychic!
“Honey, what do you think of this outfit?”
{from other room}
“You look great!”
What did people count before they counted Mississippis? Mesopotamias? Kathmandus? Cucamongas?
[burglar gently waking me] you live like this?
*Hello this is your pilot speaking, we still have about 9 hours in the air so let me entertain you folks reading you some of my tweets*
I asked a friend if he’d eat a piece of dog crap for $1K and he asked “From whose dog?” I’m having a hard time accepting that as a factor.
Sober or not if a cop ask me to recite the alphabet backwards I’ll just put myself in the back seat of their car.
The best time to start a family fight is now. It gets you out of buying relatives gifts.
I almost walked out of the dentist’s office without putting my pants back on.
GOOD COP: We can do the easy way…
BAD COP: Or the hard way.
UNDERCOVER COP: [muffled] Guys, get under the covers with me! It’s so cozy and I have a flashlight and comic books under here!
I don’t like who I become when an online form expires in the middle of me filling it out.
2022 appliances: *break within 2 years*
1970s refrigerator: i will outlive u and everyone u love. i am eternal. i am time itself
I just spent the day painting our fence. All I know is tomorrow I better be able to do karate.
Chefs who can’t admit failure present:
Soft-boiled eggs
Steak tartare
Twice-baked potatoes
Sour cream
Calzones
Pineapple upside down cake