Plastic silverware: because the only thing I hate more than poisoning the environment is washing dishes.
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At a fried chicken place, looks delicious
I would be very interested to hear from someone who is ILLEGALLY blind.
I mean, if Marie Antoinette didn’t want her head cut off, maybe there should’ve been actual cake.
~ Why I was kicked off the debate team
Having multiple kids is weird. You have one kid you could trust to be home alone for a whole weekend & you know they’d eat vegetables, lock the doors, & wash the dishes.
Then you have another kid who is not allowed to hold an umbrella.
And they’re almost the same age.
The pool supply sales lady told me I should shock my swimming pool once a week, so I keep showing it my senior picture.
The 4 Major Types of Twitter DMs:
Sup
Hello dear
Thanks for the follow!
Would you rather die at the hands of a koala or kangaroo?
Maybe the guy yelling random words into the sky at the bus-stop isn’t crazy..
…maybe he’s just trying to figure out 2020’s safe word
My sister’s credit card information was stolen, so being a good sister, I called to see how she was doing and tell her what I purchased at Bloomingdales.
Parenting experts suggest allowing children to try, even if they fail, so they can learn and grow.
But my mother-in-law’s son is 45 and I’m growing impatient.
A Southern Diner is a cross between Noah’s Ark and a Deep Fryer.
“Nothing there? Better bark at it.” – a dog
Daughter steals my iPad so I left Google open on “too many kids” & “making it look accidental.” Found my iPad but haven’t seen her all day.
my mom: we found this under your bed and we are very disappointed *pulls out copy of “drugs for dummies”*
my dad: lol nerd
Stealing the candy is not the issue here. The real issue is why are you feeding your baby candy.
“Don’t put all your eggs … in there”.
[First day as a superhero]
Oh hell yeah!
*sees a crime happening*
Already? Ok…
*the bad guy looks really mean*
Umm, I’ll get the next one
Sunday afternoon is for relaxing, so watch this go in a loop as many times as you need
if it wasn’t for the internet, I wouldn’t even know the royal family exists outside of Bugs Bunny cartoons. Like when Yosemite Sam is a knight in a suit of armor and he does that pole vault into the side of the castle and he turns into a can of tuna? Man that’s pretty great.
[breakfast table]
Me: Who killed the entire box of Lucky Charms?
8: Not me
9: Not me
CEREAL KILLER: Not me either
[group therapy]
me: you ever feel so full of rage that you wish you could just ram somebody with your car and then throat punch them when they stumble out?
voldemort: uhh no
joker: yikes
darth vader: seriously what is wrong with you
Getting noise cancelling headphones for when the kids are home is sound advice
co-worker: kinda weird how batman takes a kid out at night to punch felons
bruce wayne: [across the room] i dunno kinda sounds like you guys are just making it weird
[sexting]
Her: Are you naked?
Me (taking a shit): Yes
*turns on ceiling fan*
Oh shit my stamp collection
Snail cop: So tell me about the sloth that attacked you.
Snail: It all happened so fast.
Call me old fashioned, but I’m dying of smallpox.
[Budapest airport]
IMMIGRATION: So what is your purpose for visiting Hungary?
ME: [holding huge bag of marbles] I wanna see the hippoes.
So wait, fruits and nuts are only healthy when they’re not covered in chocolate?
Dieting is bullshit.
I do NOT have a drinking problem. I use a straw so technically it’s a “sipping” problem.
Those magical three words you’ve been waiting so long to hear. Red, or white?