[plastic surgeon holds mirror up to my face]
ME: What happened!? I’m a monster!
DOCTOR: We had to postpone your surgery.
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Day 14 of being Everyone’s Personal Assistant and sometimes in this line of work you have to tell a couple of white lies
This man is very sweet with me. I’m calling the police
[playing the board game Guess Who]
Me: Is your person handsome?
5-year-old: No, they look like you.
Prince Charming: I will awaken her with love’s sweet ki–
Sleeping Beauty: five more minutes
You know what they say, the secret to a good relationship is never going to bed married.
5-year-old: Guess what? Today in school someone’s EYE broke open.
Me: What???
5-year-old: I’m done telling this story.
[Me in a horror movie]
*is not at the cabin because I have no friends*
“Don’t do anything you wouldn’t want published” – my mom
Like bro I’m in bed at 10:30pm what do you think I’m doing?!?
“I’d like a bowl of soup please.”
“Any sides?”
“I hope so, or it’ll go EVERYWHERE.”
My 6-year-old made me a necklace for mother’s day. She gave it to me yesterday on my birthday. She took it away from me before she went to bed so she could wrap it up and give it to me again for mother’s day. I like her style.
My retirement plan is basically these 10 scratch off lottery games.
* scratches *
Damn.
Ok, 9 scratch off lottery games…..
ME: Would you ever get a tattoo?
DAD: I don’t even highlight in books
5yo after licking my face: “Sorry. My mouth meant to kiss you but my brain told me to lick you.”
When in doubt, just do the opposite of whatever the person wearing pajamas in public is doing.
Who decided that we have to get stuff done every day?
Your Czech is in the mail.
-Mail order brides
‘Let’s just agree to disagree.’
-Me, saying grace at the dinner table.
I’m really disappointed in Shaq for not having his own tequila called Shaquila.
[Men’s Deodorant Scent]
Pure Swagger for 72 hours Steel Cage Match Wrestling a Half Man Half Crocodile like Creature[Women’s Deodorant Scent]
Lavender
Me: *pressed against glass* they can’t keep us apart, they can’t deny our love, you’re my lobster
Aquarium owner: *into walkie talkie* security
Me: *being dragged away* WAIT FOR ME LEONARDO DA PINCHI
There are poor, helpless kids in Africa who really need our help. But there’s also kids with machine guns so I’m not going.
Just saw that my wife was googling ballroom dancing lessons and now I’m hoping that she’s having an affair.
“Trump is a good businessman” He has a failed steak biz, a failed vodka biz & failed casinos. HOW DO YOU SCREW UP STEAK, VODKA & GAMBLING
Me to me: I will spend this day in isolation doing productive things I’ve always wanted to get done
Me, six hours later, finally glancing up from my phone: pardon
Me: My heartburn is out of control
Dr: Are you still taking your meds
Me: Yes I take them every morning with my 1st pot of coffee
Dr: (exhaling loudly)
HUSBAND: Do we have any cake toppers?
ME: Yes, it’s called frosting.
The number of kids you have determines how much time you need to get everyone ready to leave the house. One kid, 30 mins, 2 kids, about an hour. 3 kids, the Tuesday before
Obama keeps trying to get me to kiss this top secret document from Syria but I keep telling him I’m not the kinda guy who’ll kiss intel
I’m already putting money away for the my future child’s therapy because I know they’ll be emotionally scarred from having their friends always comment on how hot their mom is
me: [jumping out of a cake]
skydiving instructor: really not necessary for the experience