[plastic surgeon]
please my credit card it’s very sick
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Guy who invented the spelling of bologna: shoplifting is a misdemeanor but murder is a felogna
[first day as a getaway driver]
ME: how did I do
BANK ROBBER: you didn’t need to keep honking I knew you were out there
Feeling a little sad…
…saw a FB post about someone that has “the best girlfriend ever” and realized that I have to settle for 2nd best.
HER: I’m ending this
ME: why?
HER: you’re way too literal
ME: I promise I can change
HER: prove it
ME: *puts on a different shirt*
Sometimes I order Domino’s but give them Pizza Hut’s address. And when they show up and start fighting, just wait with my mouth open.
My wife’s filthy toenail cut my leg in bed & now I can levitate & hear time.
My favorite Skrillex song is the one where he drops a spoon into the garbage disposal and steps on a cat’s tail.
cause baby now we’ve got
baaathtubs
you know we soaking in
maaad suds
so take a loofah for
baaack scrubs
cause baby now we baaathtubs [hey!]
“This is The Grey Wall of China”
I think it’s ‘great’
“We all do, pal”
I hate it when people who are younger than me complain about being old. They’re all like… well, I forget what they say, but it’s still annoying.
Dear God, please turn my whistling coworker into a bird so he can fly far, far far away from here.
The only entities which will survive a nuclear holocaust will be the cockroaches and a book packed by Flipkart.
Friend: Actually I met my partner on Twitter!
Me: I’m so sorry. Here if you need to talk ❤️
Friend: …no? It’s a good thing?
Me: *hand on their shoulder* Sure it is buddy
An avocado is a vegan kinder egg
Subway sandwich employee said he wears the gloves “cuz the meat stings.”
It’s truly insane how I’ll still stay stuff to my five year old like “hang on mate, you’ve been saying you’re hungry all afternoon, and now you won’t eat your dinner” as if he’s going to turn around and go “that’s such a good point yeah. You’ve bested me with logic this time”
Kids are great at pretend play, like how they pretend no one’s home when the doorbell rings haha wait just kidding ain’t no way they’re doin’ that.
People think it’s embarrassing Elvis died taking a shit in the bathroom but it’s way less embarrassing than if he died taking a shit in the kitchen or something
Interviewer: It says here you’re interested in waterfowl genealogy.
Me: I became fascinated with the subject when I noticed that both Daffy Duck and Donald Duck share the same family name and both their names begin with D.
Interviewer:
Me: And neither wears pants
Me: *wakes up to pee at 4:30*
My brain: Oh good, you’re awake!
When you have bad handwriting, notes to yourself are just fun little mysteries you get to solve later on
ME [explaining Daylight Savings Time]: yeah, you can just do crimes. that entire hour DOES NOT count. legally speaking
[paying at chipotle]
ME: i got a burrito
CLERK: that’ll be ten dollars
ME: with guac
CLERK: that’ll be ten thousand dollars
I had an irrational fear of bees until I saw My Girl and it became rational.
[husband reaching for me in bed]
me: sorry you’ve exceeded your rate limit
When I get to somebody’s house, I text them, because knocking on doors is for poor people.
5 year old son: I want to be a boxer.
Me: I think you’re too cute to be a boxer.
5: Yes, that is what everybody will think.
It was the best of times, it was the worst of times.
-Me with beer, me without beer
Me: I think I’ll try to lose 5 pounds.
HIM: That would be good.
ME: WHAT DO YOU MEAN THAT’S GOOD?
HIM: ….
ME: *rage opens Oreos*
therapist: you need to enjoy the little things
me: like ants
therapist: not exactly
me: [nodding] baby ants