I bet a lot of guys who don’t think that rape is a big deal were super upset when that U2 album was put on their phone without consent.
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I keep checking my bank account like a hungry person checking an empty refrigerator. Neither one is going to magically be full.
Who called it a “period tracker” and not a flow chart?
Watching “Poltergeist” as a kid was scary af.
Adult me: Is all that covered under homeowners?
If alcohol has calories and calories are energy then cocktails are energy drinks
This morning I noticed my neighbor was talking to her cat. It was obvious the poor woman thought her cat understood her.
When I got home I told my dog about it. We laughed so much!
8: you can’t make me go to bed. I know karate now.
Me: you don’t say…
Narrator: Daddy-Fu always beats Karate, even though the moves are mostly tickling.
I like staying home, cause soon as I step outside I spend $100
I hate it when my Wife says that we need to talk.
It’s always “What’s wrong with you?” and never about sports, beer or bikini models.
{football huddle}
hey are you guys mad at me?
due to personal reasons, i will be screaming into a pillow.
I suck in my stomach when I weigh myself like my scale will be all “oh she’s much thinner than I thought, I’ll adjust the numbers.”
dave is coming over
“normal dave or dave whos alwayes doing impressions of evrybody we know”
[from outside] hi guyes, its normal dave
“noooo
*waits for someone to have sex with me so I can use the ‘sex with me is like’ joke format*
This is a true ally.
Saw my Elf on the Shelf walking out of the D.A.’s office and now I have to lawyer up.
I don’t have a lot of notes for pilots, but I do think they should cut their use of the word “final” down to about zero. “Descent” and “destination” work fine for our purposes out there in the main cabin.
Memorial Day was always my grandpa’s favorite holiday because he was a WW2 vet and also loved to buy mattresses.
I haven’t been to the gym in months. I wonder if all the pudding cups in my locker have spoiled?
Refrigerators are actually sentient beings, but we keep putting magnets on them, and erasing their memories.
A guy on TV opened a bag of chips and my dog came running into the living room thinking it was me so now she’s playing with a ball she found and is acting like that’s what she wanted all along
I got invited to an acquaintance’s baby shower, I thought I bought teeth rings, I bought this woman’s baby a freaking dog toy. 🙃
Yay it’s payday!
*pays bills
That was short lived.
I feel so bad every time I startle an introvert. Please come back
The word “beard” comes from an old Latin phrase meaning “sit on my face”
BIKE: Seems like you’ve been eating well since the last time you used me.
ME: *regretting the “great deal” I got on a vicious cycle*
Marriage is like when you were a kid on Easter and saw this HUGE chocolate bunny in your basket.
But it was hollow. And white chocolate.
Hey Fun Fact:
Remember that “You Wouldn’t Steal A Car” anti-piracy ad? The guy who wrote the music for that ad was never paid for their work
This Fun Fact™ brought to you by:
Stealing — It’s Okay If You’re A Corporation!
I accidentally rubbed ketchup in my eyes, now I have Heinz sight
wife: ugh here comes brad from my work
me: which one is he again?
wife: the guy that says things and you can never tell if it’s a compliment or insult
brad: well well well someone smells like muffin mix
BOSS: due to the virus we need everybody to work from home
ME: please, i have a family