@dksc4life: Play a fun prank with your kids by hiding a bigger Elf on the Shelf in your house each day so in a few weeks he’s 10 feet tall and they’re absolutely terrified of Christmas.
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@ClichedOut: Bailiff: Do you swear to tell the whole truth, so help you God? Me: Yes, unless she asks me if she looks fat.
@T_Bonezzz_: [First Date] Waiter: Hi, would u like to start off with an appetizer? Me: I'm gonna wait until my date arrives W: Sir, it's been 3 hours
@Elifcello: I switched my cellphone to 'airplane mode' and threw it up into the air.. must tell you: WORST. TRANSFORMER. EVER.
@ItsJennaMarbles: Running away doesnt help you with your problems, unless you're fat. Then yeah, run.