@dksc4life: Play a fun prank with your kids by hiding a bigger Elf on the Shelf in your house each day so in a few weeks he’s 10 feet tall and they’re absolutely terrified of Christmas.
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@Reverend_Scott: [interview] "What's your strongest trait?" My fingers. "No, like... Are you pinching me??" GIVE ME [fighting to maintain pinch] THE JOB
@T_Bonezzz_: Me: How bout we head over to my place? Her: Nope Me: I have a dog... Her: Get in I'll drive
@DanMentos: [terrorist meeting] "Let's hit Americans where they gather to shop" But how will we find these Targets? "Guys you're not gonna believe this"
@roxiqt: DATE: Didn't you order peppers on your salad? I don't see any- ME: *whispers* Ghost peppers