@dksc4life: Play a fun prank with your kids by hiding a bigger Elf on the Shelf in your house each day so in a few weeks he’s 10 feet tall and they’re absolutely terrified of Christmas.
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@erinmallorylong: I get very stressed out when characters in movies are told a rapid-fire list of things to do and don't write it down.
@The_MartiniGirl: I really was gonna jog at the park today....but I just found an empty park bench so I'll just have a few smokes and cheer the joggers on.
@Reverend_Scott: God: welcome to heaven. here's your wings. Adam West: [putting on batman cowl] I won't be needing those.
@Roweboat13G: A recent medical study shows that women who carry a little extra weight generally live longer than the men in their lives who mention it.