@tastefactory: Play Sharknado for an old person and tell them that it's a live news broadcast.
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@kadyngriffiths: Dream girl: -tall -skinny -can pull off wearing a hat -honest -a fan of the theater -abolished slavery -is Abraham Lincoln
@Poutymcgee: Friend: *passes me her newborn baby* Me: What is this clothed potato and why have you given it to me?
@DamienFahey: If you don't have your Florida ID with you on voting day, you can always show them a photo of yourself wearing a tank top to a funeral.