@tastefactory: Play Sharknado for an old person and tell them that it's a live news broadcast.
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@StevieKnip: [accidentally hits Siri in high school classroom] Siri: what can I do for you, #1 God of Sex? [every boy in the class checks their phone]
@justmeundead: Me: *trying to sleep Brain: He said you were pretty Me: *smiles Brain: but not beautiful
@NYC_Blonde: I recognize that Rome wasn't built in a day but I'm not trying to build Rome, I just want to to enjoy onion rings without gaining weight.
@fart: theres a train nerd counting the number of ppl that get on and off at every stop. at first i pitied him but he seems happy so now i hate him