Play Sharknado for an old person and tell them that it’s a live news broadcast.
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Star Wars is just like regular wars except you fall in love with your sister and your dad chops your arm off.
I haven’t prevented a single forest fire.
Is it possible that Smokey was talking to someone behind me?
Really wish my phone wouldn’t autocorrect my old timey piano slang. Had to explain to my mom that I didn’t spend all morning “tickling the ovaries”.
I’m pretty sure I could “watch this” for 24 hours straight without blinking and my 7yo still wouldn’t be satisfied.
Social distancing has taken all the fun out of avoiding people.
Me getting up to pee after being comfortable in bed
Me: Who will I share the sunset with now?! *sobs*
Friend: Bad breakup?
Me: No. *wipes tears* My Instagram isn’t working.
Buying a girl drinks at the bar is played out. You gotta send a pizza & a basket of wings to her table
No one talks to you on the bus when you’re shaking a box of Milk Duds that your head phones are plugged into.
Roses are red,
Change comes with the tide
Raising children takes a village, preferably one with many vineyards.
Might see you guys in 15-25yrs. Weekend with my folks & it’s only a matter of time before I snap.
M:$50 on the ginger with face tattoos
H: Ma’am those aren’t tattoos, they’re freckles and you can’t bet on a 6th grade spelling bee
Your baby is cute but terrible at helping me move.
“Hey Hillary what color do you think this dre– never mind” – Bill Clinton scrolling through Twitter last night
Ok who decided there’s no plural for certain words? Wtf did sheep and pasta do to deserve such disrespect!
Why don’t furniture stores just tell us when they’re NOT having a huge sale?
As I was driving, some stranger yelled “what’s your problem lady?”
So I was honest, I said I drink too much and I can’t stop eating chips.
You don’t know rock bottom until someone tries to tickle your neck fat.
In my 20’s: I want to find true love.
In my 40’s: I just want a toaster that gets me.
[dentist chair]
how’s school?
*I start talking, dentist notices his hand isn’t in my mouth*
oh sorry
*puts hand in my mouth*
how’s school?
The waitress said they were out of pizza but then much later I saw a pizza come out to another table. (My super villain origin story)
My iPhone corrects “WHOA” to “WHOSE”, which just made my text response to “I JUST HAD A BABY!!!” a little awkward.
I’m on a walk with my 4 year old. There’s not another person in sight. I’ve tapped her on her far shoulder three times already and each time she’s stopped, turned around, and looked confused as hell. We’ve still got a long walk ahead–I’m going to go for the world record.
I don’t have 2.5lb weights at home so I have to use two bottles of wine for my physio exercises.
[notices a girl is cold] here take my pants
wow it’s a good thing this mug says “COFFEE” on it, I was about to wear it like a hat
You know when people wear 2 t-shirts at once and they look trendy and it looks really good on them well when I do it people are like “hey did you know you’re wearing two shirts”
“you okay man?”
listen dude… i know what im doing
*lights a cigarette backwards*
ive seen Guy Code like six times
Girl next to me had her bag on the seat, didn’t move it when I politely asked her to so I’ve sat on it…