Play The Bee Gees loudly several times a day from your home so that if you have to kill someone the sounds won’t be unusual.
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It’s all fun and games until your kids start counting their Halloween candy.
I like to send love notes in my husband’s lunch like SORRY THE BREAD IS STALE MAYBE YOU SHOULD LEARN TO SEAL IT BACK WHEN YOU ARE DONE
I accidentally relaxed my shoulders at work today and shapeshifted into a doormat.
A mom at my son’s baseball game was drinking beer in the stands and what kind of message is she sending to all these young impressionable kids by openly enjoying an adult beverage and not sharing with all the adults sitting by her
Wife: Our daughter lied to me.
Me: What did I tell you about telling the truth?
5-year-old: It’s only for people who don’t have lawyers.
I was playing pirates with my 4yo and it was so cute when he found the treasure. I almost felt bad taking it from him, but I did what I had to do. Because pirates.
In scandinavia they’re called fjarts
You want me to make something homemade?? Girl I can’t even make my own serotonin.
Cw: you have a call holding
M: put it in my voicemail
Cw: he has a sexy Australian accent
M: hiiii this is Jennifer
Expectant Parent: What’s it like being a parent?
Me: Have you ever wrestled an alligator covered in vaseline?
Expectant Parent:
Me: Don’t worry, you’ll learn.
God: you’re a llama.
Llama: I look ridiculous.
God: why do you say that?
Llama: I look like a giraffe made love to a sheep.
God: that’s not true.
Llama: i’m a giraffe sheep : (
God: [under breath] more like a drama llama.
My wife left me for a fisherman.
Poor guy’s still reeling.
A penguin suit mysteriously arrives at work. No label. No explanation. You try it on, just for fun. When you turn to show your colleagues, you realise they’re all dressed as leopard seals. You flee.
What idiot called it the road to Bethlehem instead of the highway to the manger zone?
Interviewer:
“This is a very impressive résumé.”Me:
“This is a creative writing job I’m applying for, no?”
Put the spoiled milk back in the fridge and hope it gets better.
– What I think when I hear someone is getting back together with an ex.
Every escape room should have a planted person that makes hotter/colder faces when somebody has an idea.
This is your pilot speaking. We’ll be taking off shortly once our flight crew confirms that this is, in fact, an airplane
Kids be like mom look at me when you’re driving 70 mph on the freeway.
My daughter just straight up out of the blue said “daddy if you ever get shot I hope it’s in the belly so your fat will save you” WTF
[Applebee’s Manager Application]
1. Are you a good people leader
2. Can you manage a P&L
3. Are you willing to fistfight the Chili’s Manager
COP: Is this man bothering you, Sir?
ME: that’s my wife
Girls who go to finishing school know all of the Mortal Kombat fatalities.
One of the lights in my bathroom is out. I look at least ten years younger.
No, whenever there’s trouble YOU seem to be around…officer.
How bad is it, doc?
“Well, you’ll never run again”
So basically the same
[Ouija Board]
“Oh great spirits tell me ur secrets”
You'll die soon
“OMG HOW”
Hold on I have another call
5-year-old: I wish we all had infinity dollars
Me: That’d wreck the economy
5: I just-
Me: Go to your room until you understand inflation
“Do what your gut says”
– well, right now , its Telling me i need to stop eating Pizza