I was at a job interview today when the manager handed me a laptop and said: I want you to try to sell this to me. So I put it under my arm, left the building and went home. Eventually he called me and said: Bring my laptop back now. I said: $200 and it’s yours.
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When my boss asked me who is the stupid one, me or him?
I told him everyone knows he doesn’t hire stupid people……
Three seasons into Game of Thrones, and I still can’t figure out why all the characters are named after psychiatric meds.
new year update: losing everything but weight
I’m rearranging the kitchen which is devastating for my husband because now suddenly he remembers where everything used to be.
My wife let me remove all her clothes last night.
From the dryer.
I want a “refrigerataur.” Half horse, half refrigerator. I could ride it AND eat from it which is just plain sensible we are in a recession.
“Dammit. I had shit planned today.”
— a spider being carried out of the house with a cup and piece of paper
hate sitting down at my favorite diner and having the waitress i’ve known for 15 years come to pour me coffee but i notice that her usually steady hand is shaking, tipping me off to a hostage situation that i will be forced to resolve with a combination of guile and violence
4-year-old: Can you hold my rubber ducky?
Me: *takes the ducky* Why?
4: I dropped it in the toilet.
I’m not a religious person but I do call my water bottle Jesus because its contents magically turn to wine at any of my kids sporting events.
I found something called bath bombs in the cabinet and honestly I had no idea we were even at war with the tub
[6 months after breaking up]
Me: AND ANOTHER THING,
Please sign my online petition to get Netflix to change “are you still watching” to “looking good nice pajamas”
“Hey, boo”
– a casual ghost
I asked my 4-year-old to pick up her toys and she hissed at me like an angry cat. Do I approach the hissing child? Do I let it be? Idk what to do. The parenting books don’t talk about this.
[Me narrating a documentary on guerrilla warfare]
And here’s more footage of people, but I’m sure apes will be in this film any minute now..
*Goes to bakery to try wedding cake samples*
Baker: “When is your wedding?”
Me: *with mouthful of cake*
“What wedding?”
The duality of toddlers:
Banana = Best food in the worldBanana with the peel pulled down just a little too far = Worst thing that’s ever happened. Like honestly, how dare you?
Now that I have a standing desk I’m adding manual labor to my resume.
No parenting book prepared me for “trying to dry a papier-mâché model of a red blood cell in your oven at 6am”.
ME: *taking their hand* It’s okay. We all struggle with connecting.
RABBID RACCOON: *hissing & desperately trying to wrench its hand free*
Being distracted for the entirety of the Zoom call if your own hair happens to look particularly nice today.
My kid: “I want the new iPad like my friends, everyone has them”
Me: “And I want to vacation in Hawaii..disappointing day all around huh?”
[puts a tub of Blue Bell in the cart]
Ma’am, did you hear there was a recall? That could be deadly.
[slowly puts second tub in cart]
Watching football with your 11 y/o daughter is fun because when you get frustrated at your team, she asks calming questions like, “Daddy, do you really think you can do better than the players?”
If I was a kitty, I would smack you off the table.
ROBIN: Let me drive the Batmobile.
BATMAN: Never. I’d rather let Superman-
[wall breaks down]
SUPERMAN: OMG REALLY
BATMAN: No.
A woman asked me if I’d be having any more kids. When I said no she said “you can’t have just one!” and I told her she was thinking of potato chips.
I follow girls that walk to their cars alone because there’s a lot of weirdos out there.