@Not_a_JesusGirl: Playboy has started a new edition for married men with the same women featuring every month.
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@gogglepossum: [me sneaking to the bathroom at night to check twitter] Wife: what are you doing? Me [looking around for excuse] just...changing my tampon
@AndyAsAdjective: "How did your *looks down at notes scribbled on hand* favorite sports team do in their *looks down again* sporting contest today?"
@LizHackett: I want my house to be tidy enough so that if someone drops by unexpectedly it doesn't look like we're six days into battling a poltergeist.