We need a grocery store aisle for 4-year-olds’ unreasonable requests:
– Chicken nuggets but with fish (NOT fish sticks, are you insane?)
– Cold hot chocolate, but the marshmallows still melt
– Crackers with fewer crumbs (ok, that one’s for the parents, but still)
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Who is feeling this?
#HorrorFam #LordOfTheRings
No one prepared me for getting hotter with age, yet here I am handling it.
Whoever’s job it is to make sure
I eat before I drink is fired.
We found love in a hopeless place.
Just because I’ve forgiven you doesn’t mean I won’t want to throat punch you the next time I see you.
Thought you should know.
ME: [first day as a detective] Was the robber armed?
VICTIM: Yes. 9 millimetre.
ME: *writing ‘probably a T-Rex’ in my notebook* Thank you.
Satan: you can spend eternity in hell OR you can go to work for the first time in 5 days.
Me: hmmm
Satan: well?
Me: IM THINKING, DAMN IT
I never understood why people complain about camping. What’s not to love about a luxury, air-conditioned cabin fully stocked with food, beer, and WiFi?
*turns off comments*
Yes, I DO think “did you bring my pizza?” is an acceptable answer when you’re in a public bathroom and someone knocks on the door.
Mechanic: Your car’s got a flat
Me: It’s called a garage
No thanks Black Friday crowds.
I do all my Christmas shopping online in a blind panic, as God intended.
Who called it a wolf in sheep’s clothing and not a woolf?
Sorry I unfollowed you on Instagram, but you take at least 10 pics of your face everyday. I don’t even look at my wife that much.
I saw a tweet saying liberals should create their own Captain America. They did. In 1940.
Him: I got a 69 on my test
Me: Nice
Him: I bet you don’t even know why people say that
Me: *hoping it’s because 69 is the sum of sums of the divisors of the first 9 positive integers* because 69 is the sum of sums of the divisors of the first 9 positive integers
Him: Lucky guess
just left a huge legacy in there
I’m the kind of guy who peeks under bathroom stalls and asks where you go for taxes.
Theresa nothing worse about a breakup than your ex’s name autocompleting whenever you type a word that starts with Theresa same letters
*A tree barges into a barber shop and starts kicking the hair piles* HOW DO YOU LIKE IT, HUH
“There is a policeman in here and he will ARREST YOU.” And other inspirational things I say to my kids when we’re in public.
Filing dill pickle chips under “double vegetable”.
Wow I ordered too much food.
Here, you can have half of it.*5 minutes later*
Okay I’m gonna need that back
A great vocabulary is such a turn on. A guy used the word “bifurcated” during a meeting and I almost threw my panties at him.
my son thinks trying to crawl around me to play with electrical sockets is hilarious. almost as funny as yeeting himself off the side of the bed
Most of my exercise comes from getting up to let the cat in and out.
Dad passed away several years ago but every Thanksgiving with the family all together I can’t help but think, you lucky bastard.
I love it when people yell when trying to communicate with someone who doesn’t speak their language.
Thank you for screaming “do you understand?” That was just what I needed to become fluent in your language on the spot.
I like to start out my Wednesdays by dropping an entire cup of coffee down the stairs and crying about it for 6 minutes.
Me: where did you get those blood soaked tea bags?
Dracula: I had to pull some strings
I like the sound of thunder because there’s always a tiny little chance that my ex will be struck by lightning