If you’re looking for ideas, a family bike ride is another fun way to sit and listen to your kids complain for an hour.
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genie: hello-
me: i wish for a goth figure skater to get into the olympics and do a routine to welcome to the black parade
[FIRST DATE]
ME (Struggling to make conversation): …tell me about a time you worked well as part of a team.
birds and squirrels envy us
my 5 year-old son just threw his Peppa pig doll down a flight of stairs. While staring over her mangled body, he said “Awww..Peppa we have to be careful next time” and I think I am raising Kathy Bates from Misery
ruin a date by talking about marriage and then following through on it
incredibly disappointed to discover that these are two separate programs
texting with my sister in law fighting for my life to keep up with her exclamation points
I’m not a mechanic so I don’t know why, but my car seems to make a screaming noise whenever I run over people.
Role playing in the bedroom was fun until my wife gave me a speeding ticket.
Them: Bill, how are you doing?
Me: Last night I shaved my left leg and named it Delores. How do you think I’m doing?
A boomerang is just a frisbee for loners.
[phone]
H: What’s for dinner?
M: I’m having vodka. As for you, I have no idea.
H: Should I stop and get something?
M: Yes, more vodka.
What’s the proper salutation to use when writing a resignation letter to your children?
my glass coffin company “remains to be seen” is not doing as well as i thought it would.
I thought white noise was the sound of people complaining at Starbucks.
My daughter has decided instead of drying off with bath towels, she prefers sheets, and I love her and promised to never stamp out her individuality, but no.
Me [being murdered in my home]:
“Can you take your shoes off?”
Hot hot hot 🥵
Watching Home Alone in 1990: oh poor Kevin, all alone with no family to celebrate the holidays
Watching Home Alone in 2018: that lucky little punk
I feel like Google doesn’t really work anymore.
Everyone seems so happy for you until they realize your baby carrier is just filled with mozzarella sticks.
Interviewer: Tell me some of your strengths.
Me: …dare.
I hate this app so much. This rebrand is awful. If you need to reach me, you can find me here engaging in content and regularly posting
I’ve accepted that I’ll never know how that M+ button on a calculator works.
Camping? Like sleeping with my bedroom window open?
Plastic bags are polluting our oceans so I always return mine to the forest
Me: Dad gave me a sip of beer when I was 6 and I hated it. It was really effective in helping me to not rely on alcohol when dealing with my anger issues.
Prison Psychiatrist: you killed 8 people.
Me: yeah but I was super Zen about it
“Welcome, teachers & parents, to our community school assembly”
*gestures to 237 IKEA boxes*
“Let’s begin! Who’s got the Allen wrench?”
My friends tinder conversation PLEASE ✋🏼😭😭😭
There are two types of stuff in life:
1) The stuff you need to know.
2) The stuff you want to know.
3) Maths.