Played Monopoly with a kid & argued that I CAN buy the jail.. Teaching him a valuable lesson about the privitisation of the prison system.
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Been living in Texas for over a decade and have never been invited to a shindig, orgy, hoedown, hootenanny, or anything
Witches’ brews are full of newtrients.
I don’t know what Dorothy’s problem was, tornadoes are great means of transportation
7YO: Daddy you’re so talented
Me: Awww Thank Y..
7YO: …last night your snoring sounded like a pig was beat boxing
Sometimes when I’m having a particularly stressful day, I take a pregnancy test to remind myself that at least one thing in my life is still going as planned.
Mockingbird: I imitate other birds.
Hummingbird: I make a humming noise. What do you do?
Swallow: *Blushes*
Caught my son chewing on electrical wires so, I grounded him.
He’s doing better currently and conducting himself properly…
My best friend bought my daughter a 2000 piece bead kit when she turned four and to this day I don’t know what I did to piss her off.
I hate being the walking dead.
I wish I could be the driving dead.
Even the bus riding dead would do.
As far as I’m concerned, anyone who suggests I should have a third child is committing a hate crime.
Look picnics, if I wanted to spend three hours protecting my food with a spork, I’d just go to prison.
TREE: omg what happened to you
LOG: i was hacked
You call it gossiping, I call it a love of knowledge
I’ve never been kidnapped and tortured but I have been forced to go to the store before Christmas and gotten stuck behind someone buying 25 gift cards.
“I FIXED IT!”
[comes home from a day away]
Kids: Guess what we did today?!?
Me: Played monopoly, ate pizza, painted, cut paper, had ice cream.
Kids: How’d you know?!?
Me: *looking at everything out* Lucky guess
astronaut: houston come in
houston: this had better be important
astronaut: it’s urgent
houston: fine what
astronaut: [drinking soda out of the air] rootbeer float
I bought a new BMI smart scale so that I could have a technologically advanced and detailed reason to cry every morning.
*gets toy out of packaging, earns engineering degree
If you can diet in October around all the Halloween candy-you’re either dying or practicing witchcraft.
The wife says the only hard things allowed in my house nowadays are boiled eggs, sudoku puzzles and the hats of the surprising number of construction workers who come by whilst I’m at work to quote for a new patio.
Surprising, because we live in a 3rd floor apartment.
“I hate when I can’t think of the right word,” she protesticulated.
Wife just fell off the bed and I laughed so hard that I’ll be sleeping on the couch tonight.
You’re born alone and you die alone. And a bunch of people annoy you in the middle. Okay, good night.
Now that replies are broken this feels like a good time to let everyone know that I’ve always thought Buffalo sauce is sour trash.
Me: I signed my son up for an appointment with a child psyhcologist
Doctor: That’s me
Me: but you’re an adult
Doctor: and a child psychologist
Me: how
If your kid complains about how bored they are during winter break put a cape on them and say, “Now you’re super bored!” and then fly away.
What’s your WiFi pw?
kneeshowerbaseball
All caps?
Yes; all lowercase.
What?
It’s all caps, but all lowercase.
Is there a Starbucks nearby?
I often think about the time my ex thought I was cheating on him with a craft store