Played Monopoly with a kid & argued that I CAN buy the jail.. Teaching him a valuable lesson about the privitisation of the prison system.
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When life hands you donkeys, move to a mountainous region.
I get Grumpy when I run out of Dopey.
Guy on the plane threw a fit about sitting next to my Therapy Scorpion
please stop making me feed my video game characters. i shouldn’t have the fact they are living better than me rubbed in my face like this.
A flock of dads is called a grill.
*first date*
Me: *in the bathroom texting my mom* Hey can you vacuum the food crumbs out of my racecar bed I think I’m gonna have sex tonight
Put a picture of a random coworker on your desk to spice up the workplace
GF: “I’m telling you now! Size does not matter, it doesn’t make you any less important.”
BF: “Yeah? Well explain that to Pluto.”
People are so fake how can you love your newborn baby when you met it like 2 minutes ago and don’t know anything about it
Mugger: Give me everything you got
Me: Hope you like a low credit score and insomnia
We woke up to a noise.
I grabbed a bat.
He grabs a can of body spray.
“Really? Gunna make this burglar irresistible to women huh?”
Wordle is trying to tell me something
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⬜⬜🟩⬜⬜
⬜⬜🟩⬜⬜
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🟩🟩🟩🟩🟩
My Doberman sits on other dogs to assert dominance. I’m going to try this with my co-workers.
Girl: that’s a fine-tooth comb
Guy: *combing teeth* thanks
When I die, I want them to write that I died of supernatural causes, but offer no explanation.
Virtual school adventures
6: I just need a break Dad, I can’t sit here in front of a screen all day.
Me: Okay go ahead and take a break.
6: Can i watch something on my tablet?
clean window: [exists]
toddlers: what’s that taste like
I don’t “make friends”. I get adopted by extroverts and they make me do things.
Writing a work email:
“…I have an unexpected conflict…”My autocorrect:
“…I have an unexpected condom…”
also check out:
hooray it’s herpes
smile, you’re diabetic
depression for dummies
More like Kate Missington.
all pants are breakaway pants if you’re angry enough
COW: I’m constipated
DR DOG: when was ur last bowel moooo-vement lol
C: ur doing puns right now?
DD: gonna milk this for all its worth lmao
[adds another nod to the conversation]
“Finally there’s Whatsapp stories!” – said no one ever
Satan: What’s that?
God: Babies. I made them the sweetest creatures in the universe.
Satan: I see. *invents screaming*
God: lol good one!
I know it’s called Words With Friends, but the moment you play “QI” on a triple word spot, you just became my mortal enemy.
Him: I’m sorry, socks in bed are kind of a deal breaker
Me: wow
My sock puppet: WOW
I tried a non-alcoholic beer last night and I think I have discovered what my favorite ingredient in beer is.