Played twister with my kids and now hold the world record for saying, “That’s not your left foot” a billion times.
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If you get an 8-year-old a drone, you’ll also need batteries and a 26-foot ladder.
I’m in charge of the team-building activity at the next staff meeting, I guess we’re all getting new tattoos.
I always take my kids on vacation during drug awareness week…because there’s just some things they should learn from their dad.
Me: “Get me a newspaper.”Friend: “Don’t be silly. Here. Borrow my iPad.” Poor spider never knew what hit it.
In-laws going home a day early because I had the audacity to throw away “a good box.”
I’m at that stage in life where my bladder is at its weakest and my phobia of public toilets is at its strongest.
if you ever think that you’re having a bad day just remember, there once was a lady who lived in a shoe
lmao
The 3 types of Christmas movies:
1. Movies about Santa.
2.People being changed by the Christmas spirit.
3. Die Hard
I love all my children equally, I steal the same number of fries from each one
I wanna go out
I wanna come in
I wanna go out
I wanna come in
I wanna go out
I wanna come in-My dog, all day long.
Me: oh yeah, obviously I want to keep it casual, too
Also me, a year after it ends: *crying to a David Gray song in my car*
my dad can break into almost any car using a frozen chimichanga
Them: you’re fired
Me: Well GOOD LUCK dealing with this mess when I’m gone *gesturing to my crumb-covered workspace*
I’m slytherin because everyone knows women like a bad boy
I’m kidding, I’ve never even read lord of the rings
[funeral]
Wife: he looks so peaceful
Me: yeah I gave the priest an edible
“You busy tonight?”
Me: That 100% depends on what you’re about to say next.
[restaurant]
*motions for waiter*
Waiter! Bill please!
*Bill comes out & dances embarrassingly to entertain me & the guests*
Thanks Bill!
texted a girl “what are you up to” a week ago and she has yet to respond. can’t believe she’s thinking this hard about it lol it’s a simple question. honestly i might just ghost her
“Swimming is dangerous, so I wear floaties on my arms for safety!”
[cut to me floating face-down in a pool with only my arms above water]
i told the bus driver he was hot when i got off the bus because life’s short but now he’s my driver on the way back too so turns out life is long
#ChangeAConsonantSpoilAMovie
Snapes On A Plane
likes 853 pics in your media, don’t make this awkward boo.
having a king is going to take some getting used to. we’re used to our monarch moving as far as they want in any direction but now it’s just one square at a time. much higher chance of being killed by a horse
If he has cleaning supplies but has a dirty house, he’s a murderer.
Jesus: the bread is my body
Judas: *cutting carbs* I see
I can’t stress this enough, I will never have a need to use a hotel’s complimentary gym when I’m on vacation.
The folks who named Good & Plenty just flat-out phoned it in.
[holding a baby]
me: uh so how long have you been a baby?
It was the kind of movie that kept you on the edge of your seat, waiting for something interesting to happen.