Played twister with my kids and now hold the world record for saying, “That’s not your left foot” a billion times.
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Feeling generous. I’m giving all my dead batteries away…
… free of charge.
If anyone out there is named Aesop dear god please open a table store I have just the name for you.
I feel a deep connection to librarians because I also love telling people to shut up.
I get lots of strange looks because not only do I laugh at inappropriate times but I’m a very loud laugher, it’s a real detriment when you think of a joke while having sex.
Parental pro tip: Take your kids to the mattress store at the mall and skip the trampoline park.
If ur a guy riding on a motorcycle with another guy, it’s best to sit facing each other. 1 man mounted behind another that just looks bad
Doing squats. And by that I mean I’m in the squat position. But really the couch is holding me up. I’m sitting on the couch.
I would like to think money won’t change me, but I won $5 on a scratch-off lottery ticket and immediately bought name brand aluminum foil.
The car in front of me didn’t go when the light turned green, so I honked.
She mouthed “thank you.”
Okay, it wasn’t “thank”you, but I pretended it was.
Her: I love a tough guy
Me: I’ve got some scars
Her: Ooh. Show me one.
Me: [pulls up shirt and points to bellybutton] This is from when I was born.
Whacked myself on the butt with a fly swatter just to feel something
[1st date]
Me: I don’t mind admitting I find these fancy menus confusing. What does that say?
Her: chicken
Me: no, after that
Her: nuggets
ME: I shot a man in Reno–
YOU: Just to watch him die? haha
ME: I’m a desert photographer, Russell, you know this.
me: i’m so excited for fall!
also me: where the hell did the sun go?
bring me a higher love. you have 24 hours. no cops.
she think she can manipulate me wit them crystals, girl u is not Thanos
Me: I’ll just take a regular bikini wax. Or should I go Brazilian? What do you think?
Nurse: Ma’am, I’m just here to take out your catheter.
I can’t believe we live in a world where people actually pay money to run in a race.
Pay me $50 and I’ll make your life a living hell for an afternoon without the cardio.
They got Raph!
I’m goth enough to know that when your basement door opens for no apparent reason, you walk down those steps.
My 8yo told me she wants me to live forever which was sweet until I told her I’d run out of money and she replied “ok nevermind”.
[creation]
GOD: You each have a gift
WORM: What’s mine?
G: You…spin silk
BEE: How bout me?
G: Uh…make honey
HIPPO: And me?
G: Hm…eat marbles
Zoom is really only for one thing: realizing our dream of staring at ourselves while talking to other people.
BF went to text me “almost there”
It came out “almost dead”
So hungover, I wrote back “thank god”
And now he arrived and things are awkward
age 9- *jumps off fences, feels fine*
age 19- *jumps off garage on a dare, feels fine*
age 39- *takes Aleve cuz I “slept funny”
I could never be in the mafia those guys stay up way to late
Me: is this dishwasher safe?
Nurse: *taking back baby* absolutely not
Him: wanna go to your favorite place?
Me: Poundtown?!
H: I was thinking Target but—
M: no, no, your instincts were correct
Not sure if I washed the spider down the drain in my shower or if he took one look at me naked and then leapt willingly to his death.
I used to have a friend named CLINT then one time I wrote the letters of his name too close together on his birthday card