[playground]
Woman: which one is yours?
My wife: over there [points to team of firefighters cutting me from a tire swing]
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When you work at McDonald’s they put Mc in front of your name. Unless you’re called Beth. Then you’re known as “the Scottish play”
Rocky is my favourite movie about beating meat
Him: I’d die before I break a promise to you.
Me: Or, very soon after.
It’s important to get out of the house every once in a while to get excited about going home.
My kids wanted to bake something and now we have to move
– a parenting memoir
Yes, Kiddo drank her carrot juice, if by “drank,” we mean surreptitiously pouring it into my Boston fern.
after a certain point in life the “walk of shame” is about a plunger
goldfish mafia
[Boss stands at my desk] Can I see you in my office?
[I stare curiously] You can see me here, right?
New mom looking at a photo of their newborn: Isn’t my baby the most beautiful creature ever to exist?!
Same mom looking at same photo a decade later: Why didn’t anyone tell me my baby looked like gollum?!
*rings bell*
“Can I help you?”
Yes I’d like a dragon on my back an-
*starts pooping on a crucifix*
WTF? *checks sign on door*
“Taboo Artist”
me, drunk, into the thermostat: alexa, how do i charge my milk when it’s at 2%?
What I’ve learned in life is that there is a time and a place to be funny, what I haven’t learned is to distinguish those times.
I will give Canada this. Their geese are hard to keep in a headlock.
Dropped my son for his first day of kindergarten today. Does anybody know what age you’re supposed to pick them up?
4: Mommy, where do babies come from?
Me: Well, sweetie, when two people tolerate each other very much…
*Pulls gun* Alright give me the money, and don’t try anything stupid.”
*Tries to put a fork in a light socket*
“Hey! What did I just say”!?
My coworkers think I’m always busy but I’m really just trying to remember my password.
perfume should come with instructions
like on medicine: Dab LIGHTLY on pulse
points Do NOT marinade in event of
overdose take shower
Indian parents give you unmoanable names so you can focus on studies
Fight
People are posting pictures of their Christmas trees all decorated, and I’m over here like, “Does anyone know if we have a clean plate?!”
There’s an expiration date on this bottle of Bailey’s lmao
You ever eat fish and chips at the aquarium and get the feeling you’re being watched?
I was born a woman, which came as a tremendous shock to my parents as they’d been expecting a baby.
me: make me irresistible to women
genie: *turns me into a puppy* careful what you wish for haha
me: *raises hind leg over lamp*
genie: wait no stop
A water park, but it’s just the bathroom counter after my kids brush their teeth
King: Good Knight, how fared thy journey?
Knight: ‘Twas long and hard
King: ‘Tis what she proclaimed.
Both: *fist bump*-Medieval Brahs
“god I love doggy style” I say excitedly as I put a top hat and bow tie on my golden lab
These fireworks are awesome! High four!