It’s not a coincidence that we use the term “committed” to refer to both relationships and a stay at a mental institution
You Might Also Like
If I win Poweball we’re all gonna have a party with SOOO much cocai…cake!
Mike Huckabee calls Obama a “pretend Christian”, and if anyone’s an expert on “pretend Christians”, it’s Mike Huckabee.
Kissed a receipt to lighten my lipstick but I need it to return something & now some cashier is gonna think I’m flirting.
You know how sharks die if they ever stop swimming?
It’s the same with my mother in law and talking.
Me: [missing for 24hrs]
Wife: huh, wonder where he is
Son: been quiet
Daughter: has he been gone?
Guy Who Owns Liquor Store Down The Street: [bursts in thru front door] OMG IS GRANT OK
“I don’t care how goodlooking you are if you don’t have any brains.” -Zombies
Hubs: * Hands me a broom* Make yourself useful
Me: Flies away
I paid $5.99 for The Interview. I now want North Korea to kill me.
13: Can I have the password for Amazon?
Me: Certainly, honey. Ready?
13: Yep
Me: I-N-Y-O-U-R-D-R-E-A-M-S
You know you’ve got a drinking problem when you’re looking at the unleaded nozzle being labeled as 15% ethanol and you’re like “same, brother”
If you ever see a movie where a woman is depressed and she has shaved legs that movie is bullshit.
[In Club]
*slides up to girl on dance floor
“This is my jam”
*hands her a jar
“I wrote my number on the label. Text me if you want more…”
Me: give me all the brisket you have
Food truck attendant: jesus I’m driving 80, how are you still holding on
where’s Godzilla when we need him
Where there’s a pill, there’s a yay.
I got a shopping cart today with 4 working wheels, it was full of lingerie models and self confidence and I was dreaming
I’m thinking about opening a plastic surgery center and calling it “Pick Your Nose”.
ME: let’s not fight
DOCTOR: you punched me
ME: you stabbed me
DOCTOR: with a needle
ME: let’s not fight
I love you, let me stand on your larynx.
– cats
I love you Mario but you need to stop taking shrooms, breaking into haunted houses, and killing turtles! You have a dinosaur to take care of
I used to think my mother in law liked me but then she bought our 11 year old a learn to play harmonica kit for his birthday
Establish dominance by eating brownies in front of your kids while they’re brushing their teeth.
People need to wake up and accept that Batman regularly commits tax fraud
….and that’s how I ended up laying on the bedroom floor with a potato stuck in my ass.
My wife said she’d leave me if I didn’t stop using terrible similes, but like a horse scuba diving, I couldn’t stop.
[fumbling with my phone as I’m being murdered]
ME: *takes picture of my home screen*
[gets down on 1 knee]
Babe will you–
“Yeah… Here it is”
[she lends me her phone charger]
Thanks
How do people who don’t have a cat know when a ghost has entered the room?
Who you are when a wasp gets too close to you is the real you.
Just a friendly reminder folks.
Don’t forget to set back your rooster this weekend.