Playing dead for the alarm clock doesn’t seem to be working
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I need a way to roll up a car window between me and a person talking to me when I’m not in a car
“This sunscreen smells like eggs.” -me, drunk at the lake and smearing myself with mayonnaise
Bartender: What are you drinking tonight?
Me: A lot.
Me: how much for the horse kabobs
Ride operator: it’s a carousel
[walking in on boyfriend]
me: oh god
him: it’s not what it looks like!
me: how could you do this to me?!
him: i’m so sorry you had to find out this way
me: *falling to my knees* my leftoverssss
People in glass houses can throw whatever they want. They live in a glass house, I’m not expecting them to be practical
I don’t know why we have three different pig emojis but it’s great for when you need to tell someone a pig is slowly approaching:
🐖🐷
🐽
I keep a knife & cream cheese in my pockets in case i’m attacked by somebody with a plain bagel
I’m tired of the grind and have decided to seek romantic comedy employment. Currently searching postings for high paying positions in a whimsical book shop.
Whenever I’m at home drinking alone with my dog, I tell people I’m drinking with my dawg, so it sounds like I’m drinking with my cool friend
How to impress your ex:
1. Get rich
2. Get more attractive
3. Get a tiger
4. Ride tiger everywhere in preparation for confrontation with ex
Every time my husband pisses me off, I sprinkle sugar on his deodorant so he’s wondering all day why his armpit hair is so sticky.
Never underestimate mothers. They can turn “mayhem” into “ma’am” with one narrowed glance.
I can’t believe how different life was before
*googles*
Al Gore invented the Internet
Me: “Am I pretty?”
3-year-old daughter: “Boys aren’t pretty. They’re handsome.”
Me: “Am I handsome?”
3-year-old: “No.”
if i could teach my cat to go downstairs and accept my doordash delivery i would never marry
[white house staff meeting]
Obama: Any questions?
*Biden raises hand*
Obama: Spongebob is yellow Joe.
*Biden returns to coloring book*
Me: Shot through the heart
911: What is your location?
Me: And you’re to blame
911: Pardon?
Me: You give love a bad name
911: I’m hanging up
A police officer came up to me yesterday and asked, Where were you between four and five?
I said, Kindergarten.
If I could ask God for one thing, it would probably be power equal to or greater than his own.
i just blocked everyone who’s face i don’t like, so if you’re seeing this…hiii
I called my girlfriend using my friend’s phone, she picked the call & said “hi sweetheart”, she knew it’s me even when I didn’t speak a word, TRUE LOVE EXISTS. ❤️❤️🥺🥺💋💋😘😘
*pulls out stack of pancakes and completely stuffs mouth during interview*
Nexft queffstun pleeazse
“Umm. Your biggest weakness?”
Panfccakes
Kim – Where is North West?
Kanye – *takes out compass*
Kim – I mean my baby!
Kanye – I’m right here.
Kim – Jesus Kanye!
Kanye – Yeezus*
There’s nothing quite like a stale, tired format tweet in the wrong hands.
Hands: Hold my beer.
Science in 140. Carbon. A nonmetallic, tetravalent element which forms the basis of all known life, the result of unprotected carbon dating.
Me: Clean up your toys off the floor.
4-year-old: You have to clean, too.
Me: They’re your toys.
4: It’s your floor.
the owl’s distinctive call allows them to communicate over distances spanning 800 meters but they usually just talk shit about bats
*time travels to the 1950s*
Me: …and it’ll change the world forever. I call it the Internet
1950s person: incredible! How does it work?
Me:
Never snuggle your cat right after applying facial moisturizer. I know that now.