@DurtMcHurtt: Playing dodgeball with kids is harder than it looks cause you have to throw them with both hands.
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@pharmasean: If youre giving mouth-to-mouth, and you don’t want to get germs, you can put a harmonica between your lips and the victim’s
@hell_homer: kicked out of church. I yelled "YEAH WE "HAVE A MARIA", SHE'S MY AUNT, WHY DO YOU KEEP SAYING IT WEIRD". mustve gotten too close 2 the truth
@13spencer: I just found out that "Birdman" has nothing to do with Hawkeye, and now I want to see it.
@Marlebean: Hostess:There's a 45 min wait Me:Do you know who I am? I have THOUSANDS of followers! H:Let me ask my manager *2 min later H:It'll be 43 min