Playing dodgeball with kids is harder than it looks cause you have to throw them with both hands.
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Establish dominance at your doctor’s office by giving *him* the bad news first.
“I was exposed to COVID and have to quarantine” is now my go to excuse to get out of literally everything.
*hangs a vacant sign on your forehead*
Me [coming in from walking the dog]: It’s raining bring your umbrella to the bus stop.
Child: It’s not raining.
Me: Um, yes. I was just outside.
Child: I’M LOOKING outside and it’s not raining.
Me: omg fine.
Child: [leaves]
…
…
…
Child [coming back in]: I need my umbrella.
At the end of my appointment, the doctor took her own blood pressure.
My biological clock is telling me it’s lunch time
I’m an early bird and a night owl, so I’m basically some form of permanently exhausted pigeon
#wecanlandonacometbutwecant let a comet land on us. – Yakov Smirnoff
Killing an albatross won’t bring bad luck to sailors, but that is exactly the sort of thing an albatross would go around telling people.
I was highly offended until I realised HR were calling me incompetent and not incontinent.
To my American friends: On Sunday, don’t forget to set your clocks back one hour. On Tuesday, try not to set your country back 50 years.
Now whenever a kid draws a Rectangle they have to pay Apple a dollar.
“First time caller, long time listener” is a creepy thing to say if you aren’t calling a radio station.
her: the limit on tacos is 6 per person, sir
me: can i get 7
her: no
me: 8
her: no
me: 9
her: no
me: 10
her: you can’t do this forever
me: are you even familiar with numbers
her: yes?
me: 11
During winter months, some people will try to hug you just to steal some of your body heat.
Beware of false huggers.
13: Mom, you look younger every day.
M: What do you want?
13: A new skateboard.
M: How young?
13: 29
M: Done.
I’m smart, but not “I’ll stop talking while I’m still ahead” smart.
Her: I’m really into eating clean.
Me: (trying to impress her) I also use many napkins.
A wise man once said if you understand why pizza is round, placed in a square box, and eaten as a triangle you will also understand falling victim to reading a long meaningless tweet and then share it in hopes of making someone else a victim of the tweeters cruel game.
Sorry dinner is so late, honey. I accidentally bought individually wrapped rice again.
I was once bitten by a bear because I stuck my hand in a bear cage, in case you want to know what kind of decisions I have the potential to make.
Every newscast:
“This horrible tragedy occurred in this part of the world. In other news, this irrelevant celebrity did this inane thing.
Her: Wow… You really cleaned up the place
A cockroach with a little bow-tie waddles by
Me: Anything for you baby girl
The A string on my guit_r is flat
Some people exercise every day.
I’m trying to teach my self-cleaning oven to do the rest of the house.
😜
I’m allergic to bears. One bear bite and it’s straight to the ER for me.
Let’s not buy them two of all the same toys we said.
It’ll teach them to share, we said.
We are idiots.
“Welcome to lazy club. My name i-*doors get kicked in*
“THIS IS A ROBBERY! NOBODY MOVE!”
[voice from the back] “Nobody was going to.”
Pillow fights didn’t last as long in the Stone Age.