[playing frisbee with my dog]
Me [out of breath]: boy, you’re a lot heavier than I thought
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In 2058 the selfies became self aware and choose their own filters.
No one
Drivers in NC: The light’s only just turned red; I should definitely run it.
The elephant is my spirit animal.
1. we never forget
2. we hate the circus
3. we’re scared of mice
4. we’re Disney characters
5. we’re awkward in rooms
Hi, fire department? My cat is in a tree. Television has taught me that this is your problem.
I’M COLD my 7yo screams as she sits next to the AC vent in her underwear
Wanna terrify a homeless dude? Dress as a grocery store clerk and pretend to scan all the stuff in his shopping cart
ME: What would you like to name your new cat?
KID: Dog.
ME: But it’s a cat.
KID: That’s the cat’s problem.
Diet diary, day 3
I am so proud of myself, I refused to eat the birthday cake.
But the cup cakes were amazing.
[Boiling in a pot]
Boy lobster: AAAAGGGGHHH!!
Girl lobster: I’m cold
My bank messaged me saying ” Stay healthy, stay safe”.
I replied “you too.”
Wife: My water broke!
Me: I’ll call the plumber
Wife: My baby’s coming!
Me: I’m sorry, since when is the plumber your “baby”?
Genie: You have one wish left… use it wisely.
My dumb brain: I wish to know why sandwiches taste better when cut diagonally.
When you need a dentist who’s also a snake handler. That.
funeral catering business:
your loss, our gain
The three things Im grateful for:
1. Family
2. Friends
3. Caller ID to avoid family and friends.
If you’re ever lost in the woods and have a compass, the compass can help you be lost more north.
I love jerk chicken but my real favorites are a-hole beef and doesn’t return the shopping cart pork
Always wanted to call people who don’t like astronomy “Galactos Intolerant”
Here me out, Jurassic Barbie.
I’m not interested in men anymore, my focus is on buffets.
I’m not the type of superstitious idiot who worries about bad luck on Friday 13th. That’s silly. Me, I just take off to a nice quiet cabin in the woods, slaughter a pack of over-sexed teenagers, then kick back and chill.
Welcome to your 40’s: that kid dressed up like a cop is a cop.
Sorry I called you “sexy” and didn’t really mean it, but I was hungry and you were a mirage of pizza.
[being murdered]
me: this is free, right?
I don’t usually talk to strangers but when I do its because I’m at the zoo and someone called a tortoise a turtle.
I call this meeting of the Passive Aggressive Society to order.
*Person at the back* Oh, now we start!
Not only did I finally find my car keys when I sat down on the couch I also got my first piercing
4-year-old: What do you want for your birthday?
Me: You could get me a “world’s best dad” mug.
4: You told me not to lie.
A black James Bond? Wouldn’t work. He’d be pulled over every 15 minutes for driving an Aston Martin.
hey can i get an ETA on that this too shall pass?