If they really loved you, they’d absorb you through osmosis.
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My lighter has two settings:
1: Spark, spark, spark
2: No left eyebrow
*softly brushes the hair away from your face
“I said it’s my turn to jump in the bounce house.”
I’m not sure what a Doja Cat is but sadly I’ve learned it’s not a place for your cats to practice their karate moves
Hey vegans. Making a salad is not “cooking”. Making a salad is “assembling”.
If I want to get back at you for slighting me, I’m not going to embarrass you or insult you. I smoke, I rarely exercise, I eat tons of red meat, and I drank to excess nearly every day for 30+ years. I’ll make you my emergency contact
👏GIVE 👏THE 👏OTHER 👏49 👏STATES 👏THEIR 👏OWN 👏CHAINSAW 👏MASSACRE 👏MOVIES
Do you think Mr. Peanut had a normal first name, like Jim, or do you think it was like roasted or whatever?
Prison guard: don’t flip the switch yet, let’s hear him out
Would love to see a reality show where they promise the prize will “change contestants lives FOREVER”…and it’s a brain swap with a cow.
Guys! I’ve learned the secret women use to find things. Women actually MOVE THINGS AROUND when looking for something on a cabinet shelf!
My can opener broke so now it’s a can’t opener.
I’m a Lit major. I did my thesis on why my car is in the front yard and I’m sleeping with my clothes on.
STOP CALLING ME. IF I EVER PLANNED ON TALKING TO YOU AGAIN I WOULDN’T HAVE BORROWED ALL THAT MONEY.
Wanna feel old? Of course you don’t. Have a great day.
I act like I’m ok, but really this hummus is a bit spicier than I anticipated.
Nothing is worse than having a cranberries song stuck in your head, in your head, in your heeeeeeeeeeaaaad zombie zombie zombie eee eee
An agenda reveal party, where I surprise everyone with all the things I hope to accomplish this weekend.
My wife took a bunch of my clothes to make a scarecrow today and seeing it come together I realized I dress like a scarecrow.
It’s wild that your car has balloons but you only get to play with them if something bad happens
Interview Tip #17
be polite and maintain eye contact
[later]
Interviewer: hello
Me: *staring intensely* yes please
My boss at the stencil factory once asked me to make a template for work, so next morning I went to the temp’s house and let her tyres down
Pants? You mean Leg Prisons?
Sometimes your ankle takes a vacation while you’re walking.
Me : One of your friends punched me in the face!
Him : Which one?
Me : I only have one face, Carl.
Dentist: No cavities, but looks like you’ve done some excessive grinding at night-
Me: *blushes* Well, my boyfriend is quite sex-
Dentist: Uh, of your teeth.
If someone wants to spend time with you, they’ll let you know. Get rid of those people
Dinosaur 911: what’s ur emer-
Dinosaur: I’M BEING ATTACKED BY A GIANT SNAKE
Dinosaur 911: same color as you?
Dinosaur: YES
Dinosaur 911: is it your own tail?
Dinosaur: ok, you’re gonna laugh
I can’t believe they have an entire Clinic just for studying Mayo.
[pokes your baby with a stick]
what’s it do?
AVRIL LAVIGNE: he was a boy, she was a girl, can I make it anymore obvious
POLICE SKETCH ARTIST:
no thanks rational thinking your ship has sailed