Watching this Dahmer show on Netflix this guy doesn’t seem too bad I mean he’s just oh wait yep ok there it is wow my god Jeffrey
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My 6yo is arguing with me over what day of the week it is.
Have kids, they said.
Me: Just the other night I was sleeping in my bed and now here I am in the grandest backyard in the world having champagne with you fine people.
The Anthill That Has Formed By My Trashcan: *ant noises*
Dr: Does it hurt when I do this?
Me: Yes, a bit
Dr: And now?
Me: Yes, that’s very painful. Please stop showing me photos of you and my ex
Hey Walmart, don’t be pissed at me for not scanning everything
you literally gave me zero training before promoting me to cashier.
that time I was high af and thought I laid an egg
Me: Whats wrong babe?
Her: Nothing.
Me:*Pauses DVD of Shrek 2 that Ive had on a loop since losing my job* No somethings wrong I can tell.
I run a gambling ring where we throw humidifiers and dehumidifiers into a pit and let ’em fight that shit out.
every college guy’s fridge
[junkyard dog barking viciously and running directly at me]
Me: Wow he must really want me to pet him
Look, I respect the skill. But no.
Looking at the smoldering corpses of his enemies, Harry Potter thought “damn magic is dope as hell.” #LastLinesFromGreatBooks
The human body is a vehicle transporting food from the refrigerator to the toilet.
FRIEND: *miming finger guns*
ME: *miming getting shot, crawling to safety, using crude implements and whiskey to perform self-surgery, successfully removing the bullet, passing out*
FRIEND: I forgot you do that
Me: Maybe I’ll go out tonight
Depression: No, you will cry yourself to sleep instead
Anxiety: It’s my turn and I want you to have a full blown panic attack
Stress Eating: Guys, let’s play together
i’ve had this nightmare before 😱
What Geico said: We just saved you 15% on your car insurance.
What I heard: You should go shopping.
I found the worst tweet ever made. It appeared right after I clicked send
remember when u found out the french word for seal was phoque and u were like this is the best day of my phoquing life
the main reason men’s shirts have those little breast pockets is just in case their gf becomes a worm
billionaires spent their money on sex crimes and polluting the ocean. such bullshit. with a billion dollars you could probably get Jeff Goldblum to tuck you into bed or have Stevie Nicks put a hex on you. billionaires are so stupid.
funny that they call it a bell pepper, and yet the onion rings
A girl who bullied me in junior high just friended me on Facebook. Her three kids are named after trees. I win.
I’m just saying honey, if I sound like a cat throwing up hair balls the next day…it may be time to trim things up a bit.
Dance like you know what you’re supposed to do with your arms while dancing
*comes outside months after coronavirus is done*
FRIEND: You didn’t have to quarantine that long.
ME: There’s been quarantines?
Upon discovering that the good burger place I wanted to get dinner from is closed today, and feeling that no other place would do, I said, “I do not wish to sully my palate with an inferior burger,” and I sounded like if Mr. Darcy was a foodie throwing a tantrum.
My mom (seriously) asked if my friend’s brother “still had down syndrome.” No mother, he walked it off.
I’d wager that @RudyGiuliani will not spend a moment in an actual courtroom in front of a judge. He will go around media outlets like Fox or OAN saying he has the evidence but will never present anything in an actual court of law.
*Toddler throws sock on floor and bursts into tears*
Me: Why are you crying?!
Toddler: Because someone took my sock
Me: No one took your sock!
Toddler: Then where is it?!
Me: It’s right there on the floor next to my sanity
Starting to think I’m single because of everyone else’s shortcomings.