me at 14: can’t wait to travel the whole world once i’m earning my own money
me now: mustn’t forget that tupperware at work, it’s my only one
You Might Also Like
Not to jinx this, but last time there was a highly anticipated London wedding on TV, the groom said Rachel’s name instead.
The people who choose the “healthier option” at McDonald’s get a bad wrap.
After Jaws, I wouldn’t go in water. After the Godfather, I wouldn’t eat at Italian restaurants. I wish I’d seen the Omen before having kids.
why yes i studied sports medicine at the university of phoenix. *puts stethoscope on basketball, nods*
I’m my own worst enemy which is frustrating because I’d always hoped my worst enemy would have an eye patch.
First thing on my bucket list is to jump off a cliff and the rest are just tricks I’ll do in the air.
Toasters are just Jack in the Boxes for adults.
ME: So you could say I’m bad to the bone?
DOCTOR: Yeah, but we call it gangrene.
I will never miss you, because I’m a really good shooter.
You, dumb: Can I ask you a question?
Me, brilliant linguist: That’s literally the only type of thing you can ask
Me: *tips the waiter*
Waiter: *angrily climbing out the lobster tank*
Since I started yoga I’ve got so flexible I can now bend over far enough to see my toes.
[1st day as bank robber]
leader: i told you to put tape over their mouths
me: [still struggling to find end of the tape] just gimme a second
Letting the grocery bagger bring my groceries out sounds nice but I can’t handle trying to remember where I parked in front of a stranger.
“No pain, no gain!” I scream at myself while bending over to cut my toenails
My New Year’s Resolution is to walk for an hour every day. By April I’ll be far enough away that my family will never find me.
“I’ve said too much already.“
“All you did was blink.”
“Yeah, but twice.”
The atoms that make up your body are ancient things, recycled over millions of years. You are made of stars, and also dead raccoons.
little known fact: less famous brother, eustice wright, invented flying a spoon of vegetables into babies’ mouths
You would think that if the wife left clean dishes in one side of the sink it would be okay for you to leave dirty dishes in the other side of the sink. You would think…
How to dress when you are a woman over forty:
1. Be a woman over forty
2. Put your clothes on
I like how the use of the passive implies William Shatner has no say in the matter
Don’t eat sugar, don’t drink alcohol, don’t eat saturated fat, wear sunscreen, drink plenty of water, moisturize, and exercise….
And you’ll be the healthiest corpse in the morgue.
I don’t wanna party like it’s 1999, I want to pay my bills like it’s 1999
I read all men’s tweets in the voice of Homer Simpson. Especially the sex tweets.
Not sure why “Cats” didn’t work, it follows a classic 3 act structure —
ACT ONE: Cats introduce themselves
ACT TWO: Cats continue to introduce themselves
ACT THREE: Unclear
Laura Dern was born 35, she was 35 in Jurassic Park and she’s still 35 today
[Job interview]
Me: [thinking] I hope he doesn’t notice the mustard on my shirtInterviewer: [thinking] Is he eating a fkn hotdog?
Me: Ok, just need a shovel and some toilet paper.
Them: Going camping?
Me: Nope